i’m about as stable as a radioactive atom around you

there’s these days where i’ll torture myself, lying awake at night thinking about what could’ve been if the dice that decides our lives rolled a slghtly different outcome. like what if i was born as a cis boy? what if that wasnt the case at all, and i’d judt been a girl all my life? 

would you ever be capable of loving me and would i be happier? 

i dream of a future that’s so surreal it could be a ficion novel. i don’t want you to replace me even when you say you’ve found a girl like me. she’s the same as me; she’ll listen to your rants in the middle of the night and comfort you bevause you’re just so scared of what everyone will think if they see the real you. you’re so insecure and i can’t change you but you’re so focused on mending everyone else. 

a boy like me can never be mended, so i’m scared you’ll let me go and i keep pretending to get better to keep you around. it’ll hurt me and you both but i still wish i’d be yours and to be honest i’d do anything for it. maybe i should move on but i dont think there’s anyone capable of loving me- when i thought we were so close it was almost impossible to dostunguish the line between friends and lovers you keep on reminding me there’s noone that could be seen with a freak such as myself. i’ll never get the real teenage dating experience, maybe i’ll never even get love when i grow older as i’m just too much a mess and so tired of fitting into the mold for datability, so tired of pretending to be a better version for someone else. 

but in the end we’ll still stay friends, right? because in a way i think you still love me. not in the same way i’d love you, but you do. we should see eachother more often because those are the times my faux reality i build up really gets crushed. you talk about this girl you know and how much she reminds you of me, that you might want to be with her. you could never apply that situation to us, because we’re just two foolish and “weird” boys and that would just be too hard for you to comprehend, am i right? because i’m the weirdest you know, and you don’t even have a real idea of who i am. 

at night sometimes ill read fiction where everyone ends up getting hurt, and i imagine them being us. thats a  pretty cruel way of looking at us right? yet strangely it keeps me sane, from tipping over into the edge of delusion. i’ll spend those same nights listenig to heartbraking songs about a love you can never have, and it still applies to us. it’s hard being around you because i just never know what to talk about anymore without really opening up and i think that would push me away from you and i can’t have that. it’s really fucking hard because, when i look at you i’m overwhelmed- i want to cry and i want to hug you, i want to show what a free and good life could look like if you stopped caring about people’s opinions, but more than anything i want to tell you how much more i want to be than friends and i want to hold you in a romantic way. i’m sorry

you’ll also never figure out this is about you, and i love that i can write about our friendship for people (maybe eventually you) to see and you’ll do nothing about it.

maybe i build up all this love and hate in me and reserve it just for the late nghts where no one’ll hear me. i’m not scared of admitting i might love you, i’m just scared that you’ll find out. i could tell the whole world but you and i wouldn’t have a problem no matter how unhealthy that sounds, and i dont know what to do about it. i guess i’ll carry on with my routine until you find out. then i’ll have the hard job of explaining myself. 

alright i feel like thats enough feelings for tonight, i’ll work on some late homework and go to bed.

-xo, finneyfoxx