Got unstable again so I am gonna write something to calm myself

My view got it down again. Alex left me for the 3rd time. This time he was actually asking me to become his girlfriend, and suddenly one thing happened and he said we should say goodbye forever. I tried my best. Did everything he asked. Now I feel weak because I gave my all to him  everything I could. But still, he was in an unstable situation. Or maybe I was. He said he felt guilty about getting back with me. I don’t know why, because I’m not a person who feels guilt and runs away. I apologise and walk forward. But he isn’t like me. And maybe after him, I’m not like that anymore either. I can’t just forget about him and move on… or maybe I just need time, because it’s only been a week. I can’t feel that spark or chemistry I had with him. I went on a date with another guy right after Alex said goodbye. It was nice he was a bright person. Today I went on another date with the same guy, but it didn’t turn out well. I just couldn’t feel the spark. Or maybe that guy just sees me as a friend. But if we were just friends, why would he drive an hour to pick me up, walk me home, and meet me like it’s a date? I don’t understand. Maybe I’m meeting him because I need some comfort, and I got frustrated because he wasn’t comforting enough. I almost shouted at him because I was feeling bad at the time, and then I stopped talking. After that, the date didn’t go well. Maybe I got frustrated because he wasn’t being decisive enough. I like decisive guys it makes me feel safe and relaxed when I’m with them. Or maybe I just felt bad because I opened up about my bad memories from high school. Whatever it was, the date didn’t turn out well, and I doubt if we’ll meet again.