i’ve got misery in my veins and its your fault

i saw you again on saturday, and i’m only writing because i’m confident you won’t see this. no matter how much time passes i think you’ll still be the first (maybe only) boy i’m capable of loving, though love is such a strong word for young boys like us. we were in my bedroom talking, catching up in far too much detail for only friends. amongst the light-hearted jokes and criticisms of eachother’s imperfections in my head, we were foolish and in love. but my head is muddled and i saw us through eyes which could only see a perfect reality. i wish we were together still, but new beginnings means i keep dwelling on the past and what could’ve been and you keep breaking my heart when you tell me you’ve moved on. honey, you’re wrecking me just by talking to me, i wish you’d erase me from your memory. 

but then there are the walks we had in the late spring, and i think you can’t let me go, you’ve said too much, shared so many vulnerabilities with me i was never meant to know that you’ll keep me around until i’m no longer needed and replaced. you’ve already shared your darkest secret with someone you barely know for two months- i knew you for much longer and only got to be close to you last summer. i hate you and i hate me for making you a better person because i just couldn’t give up on the hope of us being more than just friends; i still love you somewhere in me. 

yesterday you told me i was an addict, and i can’t help but agree but in the moment i had to deny it, because you can’t see its not a thing i’m addicted to, but its us. and in a way its almost laughable how right and wrong you can be about a situation. the drinks i cling to on bad days are my substitute for you when you’re not around, and im scared one day i’ll do something urrational and tell you everything about me- actually let you in close to the truth. yet the walls i’ve put up are only to protect you because i know its unreal you’d see me as anything other than another friend you like having around, i’ll be the boy you’d never see if i didn’t make myself a part of your life. everytime we interacted in the early days it was all planned out, i forced you to be friends with me because none of the ways that we couldve become friends would be natural. i don’t belo in your life but you seem only grateful that i’ve somehow “improved” you, only because i got you to think about yourself better, and you found out things that should’ve been buried for a girl that’s allowed to love you to uncover. 

because one day you’ll realise i only cause you damage i’m incapable of anything else. our friendship is the calm before the storm because the boy you know is slowly caving to your kind heart. i’m sorry i lied to you about everything, and when you eventually find out, you can shatter my heart into a million pieces and finally let go of me. actually i’ll thank you the day you want nothing to do with me. stop letting people in so close when they only tell you half of who they are, protect yourself because someday there’ll be someone who causes more damage than i could. 

good luck with finding the girl of your dreams, she’s out there somewhere, and she’s waiting patiently. the boy you cast away for being himself will carry on his destructive path, like a storm tends to do. and if i were in a band i’d write about a million and one songs about you, your laugh and your mess, but you still wouldn’t get it because we’re into different genres. i could drop hundreds of hints about us in the lyrics and you’d still miss the point. but you’d suffer through my shitty gigs because thats just who you are. 

change, but only for the better.