living with bpd 2

today im gonna go onto the topic of fps. and my experience with them. past fps and present. my thoughts and how they affected me then vs now. big trauma dump fyi. let me know if you relate... <3

TW GROOMING, S/H, ADDICTION, ABUSE, ETC. 

THEN: 2018

So My first fp was my groomer at age 11. He Who was got me onto discord in 2018. erm. and He. Honestly I went to therapy and it was SO long ago, I can, Barely even remember it. But I remember crying for Days. when he left me. I Sobbed and Sobbed and he was ALL I talked about. My online friend had to make a profile to talk to him begging to give me closure. and It Kinda Helped, But again I was 11. It was so hard for me to take no as an answer. But I Eventually moved on. (Aka I Wanted a rebound.) 

2019

In 2018 I met a guy named Leon. He was my age. Not to much older than me. And He was having relationship problems and would flirt with me in hopes of like "coping with his own abusive relationship" (which From a healed matured view I can understand) and I was his like. victim. But I got attached so fast because he love bombed me so so so So much. He then would ignore me for days. only way he'd talk to me was when his boyfriend would love him back for once so he could tell me about it. Uhm would finally come back. say "He's ignoring me again" and it was just a repeated pattern. I was so attached It took my friends months to convince me to leave. I left, he begged me to come back 2 weeks later. I went back. April 6th 2019 I finally left. i rebounded terribly. I then became a victim of the "abused becomes an abuser" 

2021-2022

Later on My best friend mars from high school became my most toxic fp relationship. we never dated FYI. I honestly. It was so traumatic I cant even remember most of it. All I remember was Yelling and arguing and Bullying and Drama and just so So SO SO. much cutting. I was cutting Every day Like Multiple times a day. I was so sensitive to everything she said and I took everything she said so seriously. I wanted her to myself and I was so suicidally impulsed because of every little mean thing she said. 

2024-2045

This is the most recent. I only JUST got away from her. She was apart of the abuse from the previous fp. Not gonna name drop cause I hate her she doesn't deserve the attention. I cant Remember much from this time. so recent yet such a blur. She would be cruel to me at school. Belittle me. and I mean BELITTLE. me. like I was absolute Scum. She'd make me feel like I was nothing and she LOVED it. but I needed her. I wanted to be with this girl so bad. not romantically, but I wanted to live with her forever. I needed her bad. she would be super cool and nice to me one week, then the next be verbally yelling at me for something so small. and would make me feel like I was nothing. then repeat. drive with me in the car at 80 mph while smoking weed even after I asked to her not to. mock me for not wanting to commit crimes. FORCED me to commit crimes. I did it because I wanted her approval. I then When during the weeks she'd avoid me, I'd do something bad to myself to make her worry about me. even if she knew or didn't know, I'd do it anyway because It eased the pain and was like a cry for help???? idk.... 

ending it there because im to stoned to finish this atm. will continue at a later date. TTYL.