like porcelain dolls </3

so i knew this for a while now. finally being free from jail gives me a new perspective on relationships. maybe one day i'll start something healthy and stick to the habit. five years ago if you told me i'd laugh and not fake it i'd tell you it was a reality i only had in my dreams, the venom of fake friendship that i was drip-feeding myself started clouding my vision. it was as if i was a zoo animal that was finally getting set free out of my cage only i wouldn't (or couldn't?) move for not knowing the real meaning of 'freedom'. 

summer was a fresh start cuz i could choose who got my time and ignored those who weren't worth it. but the venom from the past i thought i let go still never left my system. fake friendships built on lies are a drug or a crutch i became too reliant on and i'm afraid ill never learn to let go. maybe my outlook is still foggy- one day someone will show me the way out of this bad weather surrounding me. but for now when all we can look back of are the positives and look towards a better future, late at night i still dread i'll wake up back to find everything i love was just a mirage and return to an empty shell standing on a tightrope that violently shakes me off the ledge of life. maybe i'm still just a naive kid being manipulated by more lies but the connections i think i have for now i true. i'll live under a much more pleasant delusion and if someone tries pulling me out, well i think ill fight them away.

picked up a new hobby and fell back in love with old music and films. the exterior is starting to match the interior and i think i like myself a little more each day. my passion for things is coming back- sometimes in short bursts and other days a little more motivation every hour to keep going, but how long will it take for this new candle of joy to burn out? 

i think i'm a bit too negative sometimes, and its no good for anyone around. if i'm rambling like someone you know remember to take extra care of them- the calmest of people can have the largest storms brewing inside, tearing them down a little more each day. may the people i left be a ghost of the past, a fading memory that only haunts themselves if they learn maturity and empathy. to them i was a slightly misshapen toy they mess around and drop as many times as they wanted- but i was sturdy and never cracked right? below the surface, under those same masks that ancient greek actors put on for theatre productions, and i don't remember the proper name but its irrelevant anyway, i was/ am a porcelain doll with many fractures and missing pieces hoping there'd be someone carrying the glue to mend me. now everytime i think i could force myself to care i remember there was a total of one person who was capable of reciprocating but they just don't know i needed them. they used to be my crutch my stability and guide for judgement because i realise im incapable of being a functioning human alone, then we drifted apart as teenagers over a distance tend to do. i got left stranded on a sinking ship in deep water among piranhas and they made it to shore on a lifeboat built by trust and real (platonic) love.

here's to trying for new beginnings and building a lifeboat of my own in a future that might make it out of rare dreams, and an official promise i'll be more active when sharing my woes to the world if anyone's bored or actually concerned- goodnite, until soon :).

-finneganfoxx