Day 5 of No Nicotine

I mourn the loss of my friend and I want to reward myself with a little puff puff but the puff puff isn't a reward anymore. I don't know what to reward myself with, but I feel like I've earned one. Not candy or sweets. I feel like I'm going to gain 700 lbs from quitting nicotine. I got a promotion at work today. I interviewed for it and everything. My boss pulled me to the side and said congratulations, we want you for the open position, you're being promoted. I said wow, thanks! Does this come with a raise? He handed me a Tony's chocolate bar and said no. I'm like... this ain't my dad... this is a cellphone! I threw it on the Ground! What? You think I'm stupid? 

I shared my promotional chocolate bar with my other coworkers and felt for the first time the feeling of moving up and having coworkers kinda hate you for it because it didn't happen for them. I get it, I just hate feeling like there's a target on my back and I'm contributing to the system of racism. I went to a better school, I grew up in a better area, I got the promotion... you know? I also am a hard worker with good work ethic and more computer skills than my other coworkers but still. If we all started with the exact same background, would I still get it? 

There's no real point in asking rhetorical questions like this, because ultimately I did get the promotion and we cannot go back, but moving forwards we should keep this in mind and try to do something about it. I'm a bit tired right now and craving nicotine so I guess I will have to worry about the future of America later. I voted yesterday too. I am embarrassed to admit that I didn't know any of the names on the ballets. I told myself I'm not going to lie to myself anymore, so why should I lie here? 

I also took two puffs of an old pod I found in my room yesterday. I feel ample amounts of shame because of it but I'm not lying about it or anything. I told everyone in my life about me quitting so the idea that I cheated and everyone will be disappointed in me will scare me into staying on the straight and narrow. Shame is a great deterrent for me. I'm scared I'm going to get like 8 cavities form all the candy and lollipops I've been eating to distract myself. It's also halloween, so is this candy consumption really that shocking? 

I got my haircut almost three weeks ago at this point and I still feel ugly. I got bangs and I haven't been satisfied with my hair since. My hair is now a dark periwinkle, but Sunday it was an orangey-pink. The sunday before that it was purple. I've accepted that this time in my life is not going to be described as satisfying. I am not satisfied during the day because I don't have my nicotine fix anymore, I'm not satisfied with my appearance because I'm afraid of my hair falling out but my bleach job is really bad, and I'm not satisfied because the sun sets around 5 now. I type this at 5:30 and it feels like 11 pm. 

I will say that waking up today and getting to work was a bit easier than the other days. As much as I want to vape, any slips I have is just going to prolong the feeling I'm enduring right now, and I'd like to leave this feeling behind and move forward in my life happy and healthy. 

*making horse noises with my lips by doing that thing when you breathe out and they flap against each other really fast* 

xoxo

GG