living with bpd

I've had bpd since I was practically a child. it gets progressively worse peaking around 14-18 for me. I'm still 18 struggling with it, but I've gone to therapy and all so I manage it pretty well and YES people stigmatize me for having it. I'm pretty healthy and obviously I have my episodes because I still have a personality disorder, but it's not impossible to live with. you just need the right people and I have them. thankfully. My disorder makes me vulnerable to being abused because I get so attached and trust quickly, but I'm working on it. I struggle with drug addiction and cutting myself. I haven't self harmed in quite sometime, but my drug abuse is still a bigger battle. My boyfriend understands and Actually Unlike most people, he understands that a relapse is apart of the healing process. It happens. Sometimes things aren't perfect, but it's never gonna BE perfect. I remember when my family found out about my bpd diagnosis they looked it up and it made so much sense to them as to why I acted the ways I have my whole life. I dont split on people often, but I split on myself a lot? if someone doesn't answer in the time I want them to I think "are they avoiding me?" "did I do something???" "I'm a terrible person" "I'm so annoying" "I should drop dead" and It turns into a whole apologetic thing where I'm begging someone who's not even leaving to stay??? its Random. I don't get mad, but it's a huge insecurity thing for me that will be life long. It's nearly impossible for me to not think this way because it's sadly my personality. I wish it wasn't? but? its Not Possible to change completely and I'm medicated and everything, but the mood swings are still there because its just My Personality. its not like I'm evil or anything I just need proper communication to function right. which I know how to do, but not everyone around me does. which leads to crash outs and all. I've traumatized my family with my mental health crisis's, but they understand I'm just sick. I'm not evil. and I love them for it. I appreciate a lot more than I ever do hate and thats what really helps my bpd. anyway just a long rant about this because I've been really manic lately. I relapsed on my xanax the other night and I'm Ok about it but my loved ones are worried. Maybe they should be. I don't know. But yeah. TTYL. <3