Hallowmas - 25/12/2021

Christmas has never been the same since my Grandpa died and I started growing up. All the joy and excitement that I had as a kid has left me now, its not the same. This morning I cried into my pillow because just everything is not okay for me right now. I still feel sad and hopeless, and I guess empty. I spend too much time in my "wonderland" because reality sucks so much, I just want to stay in the little world in my head forever, because everything around me hurts. To think about the future is as agonising as thinking of the past. Its terrible, its horrendous. Music is linked to "wonderland", and its my escape, its my coping mechanism, I thought it was working, and maybe it is, but its becoming an addiction, I don't want to leave my "wonderland". When I do, it hurts to realise that this is the real world and that it is how it is, and I just want to go back to "wonderland". I think I'm losing my mind, but at this point, I am beyond saving. What is left is a shell, I'm no more than another face with no personality behind it. It hurts. And I don't know a healthier way to cope with the reality.