life updat6

Well. this is awkward, no?

ok . so what if it’s been like 5 months since my last (public) blog post. I’ve been doing a lot!!! Ok!!! Of which I’d like to update you all on.

I’m in my second year of university now, and I’m still a film major. Nothing much has changed on that front. Something I haven’t shared here is that university has been kind of crazy for me! Truly!

I was in a relationship for a very brief period (about 3 and a half months, iirc) and we ended on great terms. Both of us knew it probably was a good time to step away and I still adore her and she’s still very sweet to me. All is good there.

I thought about transferring. No, seriously!! I know I’ve said on here before that I adore my university (and I do, so deeply), but I know that it’d be best for me to study elsewhere, at least for a little while. I compromised with myself by doing summer sessions elsewhere and focusing on finishing my education here. I think I made the right choice.

I have a lot of new friends. I adore them all. I think it’s maybe a lesbian rite of passage to meet a lot of amazing wonderful friends through dating apps, and hey, I’m not going to break that streak. I’ve also been way more outgoing this year. Someone I thought kind of disliked me last year (because I HATED someone they were friends with) turned out to have no animosity towards me at all and we’re best friends now, kinda (SUCK IT ASSHOLE WHO I HATE). 

I’ve met a lot of really incredible people online this year too (since my last post, that is. The OGs of this blog know who they are. faus, cam, lari, jia, gogo, den, philo, tori, dee, nana, mika, lux… the list goes on. I love you all). Of the new people I’ve become close to, my lovely friend Ari has gone out of her way to share some wonderful music with me that I’ve discovered I ADORE. Si Abro Los Ojos No Es Real de Amaia es una de mis nuevas favoritas. (oh ya, and I’m learning spanish. Kind of. I’m trying. Not like in any class or anything. But I am making an effort where I can)

I’ve reconnected with old friends. And separated from them all the same. I can say I tried.

I think a lot has changed in 5 months. I don’t even really know how to convey how I feel. It’s really strange looking back on posts from me, ones that are really raw, unedited, from my soul (which are mostly privated, so don’t bother looking), and recognizing that I’m no longer that person anymore. 

Derailing now. Personal story time.

I’ve been noticing more and more as I ride the bus, get my groceries, apply for jobs, commute to university, or just walk by the ocean that I am really alone. Like, not that I’ve got no friends or anything, but that I’m on my own. Sometimes it hits me harder than others. I’ll be listening to music on the bus on a rainy night, staring out the window as names of streets are read aloud over the intercom. Something washes over me alarmingly fast, and it’s that this is how it is now. I am an adult now. It’s weird

Younger me would never have been able to predict how this would feel. I thought it’d be the same feeling I had when I moved away from everything I knew at 14, but no, it’s not. There’s something so raw about how it feels to be, well, an adult, that is truly unpredictable and something I cannot put in words here. Not now, not ever (which I’m sure of).

I’m not quite sure of my place in society yet. Should I be aware at 19? I think not, but it’s good to have some sort of plan, no? I don’t know what jobs I want (I usually say “Something in the entertainment industry” when someone asks. It’s true, I’m not picky! (but what does that say about my aspirations?)), I don’t know what dreams I want (Like, when people say “I want a nice house with a picket fence and a big yard!” Dude. What the hell. That’s not happening in this economy), and I don’t really know where I want to go in life. Maybe Canada. Or Los Angeles, again. Or Vancouver (Canada).

I think I’ve also become a better writer. I tried my hand at fanfiction again (which I haven’t touched since I was like, 14? I think?) and I wasn’t *too* bad. I was bad. But not horrible! 

I’m no fiction writer, I’m no writer at all, really. I’m a blogger, maybe. I’m a rambler. I want to say something and I want people to listen, but I know that’s not always the way things are (especially when I really have nothing to say, like now).

I can summarize this whole post in a short paragraph. I’m basically the same person I was from my last post. This post holds no declarations of me returning to semi regular spacehey posts, but I would like to, if I can. I’m a little older now, too, if that matters.

Like usual, thank you for reading this. I really appreciate the care you’re giving me (it’s rare these days, no? (is this what everyone always says?)). If you just scanned through this post and arrived here anyway, thank you regardless.

I love you. Goodbye.