I'm two people at once. You probably are, too!

Ah, this is the second time I've written this. Gives me some time to compose my thoughts better I guess, so that's cool. (after rereading this, I didn't write it as good as the first time. darn you spacehey bugs!!)

I'm two people at once.

I am who I am perceived as online. and I am who I am in real life.

I'm here to claim these are two different people.

I've been online for a very long time. I was gifted a computer when I was young and have had pretty unrestricted internet access for a very long time. Theres no telling to what I've seen online in the past ~2 decades I've been alive. the comments I've left, the tweets I've written, the blogs I've posted (haha, like what you're reading right now) all remain online for anyone to stumble upon at any time. When they do, they're meeting me. I am there, in that moment, staring them face to face.

But, I'm not, right? I'm sitting behind my computer, typing a little awkwardly because my nails have grown longer than I know what to do with but ah, I don't really want to cut them because they're just so pretty and- yeah. you get the point.

That's not me. That's not the me you're meeting right now, is it? No, right now you're face to face with duwwy, and that's the only person you'll ever meet if you speak to me online.

To be online is to adopt a new identity. I speak differently. I engage with people differently. I am different. I'm not the person I am in real life; whoever that is does not exist with the beauty of anonymity.

I'm giving up my anonymity though. I'm tying it all to a person, duwwy. And since I am duwwy (whom you can reach at any time), I exist here and here only, and everything I do is me, therefore I am no longer as anonymous as I could be.

But there's clearly a grey area, right? There's people who know who I am in real life AND online. Yeah, that BLOWS, but I'd argue the way they know me is entirely contingent on how they met me. If they met me on twitter, I'll probably forever be that annoying moot on their tl. If they met me at college, I'll probably forever be that annoying girl in their film class who doesn't really know a whole lot about film, what the hell is she doing here anyway?

Me in real life is not someone I feel honest speaking about! Since the claim I'm making here is that we're different people, the way I view myself in real life will be tainted by how I act online (like how I just spoke in third person about my presence in film class). The girl I am irl is an INFP film major. She has friends, but she spends most of her time online, in which moments I am here, too (this is getting really confusing to write. cannot imagine how it must feel to read this word vomit). 

Sometimes there's a bit of grey zone. I obviously retain this style of typing between both people (like this very straightforward "this is what I am and this is what I'm not" style) and am mostly unaware of any code switching that occurs when speaking with my irl friends and online friends (though I'm aware it does happen). When this grey are occurs, who AM I?

Ah. a secret third thing. There is a way I can be one person. When I post on my close friends story to an audience of both my online friends and my irl friends I am being perceived by two entirely separate audiences at once. HOWEVER, the way they see me is entirely different.

Like I said earlier, an online friend may see my post and think "ah, that twitter moot wilding on main again. awkward"

On the other hand, a classmate-turned-friend may see my post and think "oh my god, what the fuck does that mean?"

Since we're different people (me irl and me here), we have different names. The rant that you're reading right now was written by duwwy. It's duwwy's thoughts. (me).

It's influenced by the personal experiences of... that other person, whose name I don't really wanna write here because I don't need to say it to get my point across. 

Something else I touched on in my original post (which glitched and deleted itself, rip...) was that not only am I two different people, but I'm two people who simeotaneously exist at the same time.

When someone reads something of mine I've written and posted online under the name duwwy (like this very post, hehe...), I am there. I am in that moment, staring at the reader. They are reading a piece of me, and my personality shines through it. Any time anyone stumbles on anything I've done online, I am there. Anytime they interact with me, I am there. I am in that moment, with them, present.

"But that doesn't make any sense -_-" says you, probably, idk

It's the same for real life too. When your friends bring your name up in conversation while you're not present, you're there, too. You are in their minds. You are being perceived. You are real. 

Everything I do online, every trail I've left has been observed infinitely many times far beyond what I can conceive or comprehend.

Likewise, every person I've spoken to in real life remembers me differently. I may be on the mind of someone I've spoken to and have forgotten; they don't exist to me (sorry), but I am there, with them, existing.

I have a lot more to say about this, but I'm so frustrated my original post was deleted that I'm just gonna end it here. If you're interested, I have much more to share on the topic and many stories to be told. Thanks for reading :)