Isolation is killing me (but i guess you reep what you sow...)

When i was younger, i'd convinced myself that i preferred to be alone, that my isolation wasn't a curse, but a blessing. I guess to my young mind it really seemed that way, but having a social life isnt much option for a confused kid with undiagnosed autism and depression. People tend to look at you funny, stare at you when you feel complicated things they can't seem to understand. They start to leave you out, because they don't want the weird kid to ruin their fun again. 

So i stopped trying to include myself, convinced myself that I was happy like this. Maybe for a while i was, but things change. I got lonely, but i was so socially stumped that making friends was an impossibility. Sure i had a few friends in high school, but once graduation hit, I don't think they ever spoke to me again. Now here I sit, confined to my room most of the time because i'm too anxious to leave my room. i talk to one person max per day, but even they don't talk to me as often anymore. I guess they're growing tired of me, maybe.

It's killing me, slowly. Not physically, but mentally. It gets harder to stay awake, harder to do anything. I could spend all day in bed, and thats the closest to 'living' i get.

I dunno why i'm really typing this. Just needed somewhere to get this all out, some way to make myself feel like im not totally invisible.