obsessive/compulsive

im a liar. i lie to myself and i lie to you. nothing i say i feel is real. i dont feel anything. all i have is a pit in my stomach, a knot in my lungs, and waves of hot and cold fingers trailing down my back.

this brain is inescapable. im so scared. im always so scared. i cant predict what will happen. i dont know when ill drop it again, and watch it roll away from me. ill watch my body move on its own and remember things i never knew.

i am so confused. im always so confused. im so alone. i do not have any friends. not even online. i have a few acquaintances, but nothing deeper. i dont want anything deep anymore. im a shell.

i feel so empty. i feel void of anything at all. my skeleton holds my muscles as they move, coated in thin transparent skin that folds and snaps when the wind shifts around it.

im more fragile than should be allowed. im a prince ruperts drop.

i wake up from a bad dream and stare at the ceiling. i dont know how many times this has happened. i dont know if its a new dream or recycled. my second alarm goes off. i put on my pants and sit up. i stare at the wall.

30 minutes left suddenly. i stand in front of the bathroom mirror and stare at the hole looking back at me.

10 minutes. i rush to change and nothing is right. -5 minutes. im in the car and im backing out. -15 minutes. im late anyway. 

im on the highway memorizing a license plate. im at a stop light. im parking in g. i sit in the drivers seat and stare at the radio. class has started. i run to class, sit down and its over and im walking and im in my car again. im at the stop sign. im waiting in my car. im in class and my face is so hot when my voice is making sounds towards my classmate.

my face, like clockwork, contorts into something that could resemble friendliness, to an untrained eye.

then im painting and i feel sick and my eyes have fully sunken into my skull by now. i cant see anything. then im walking and walking and walking and then im driving and then im in the store with a cart already half empty. then im inside something and then going up stairs and i cant stand this spiraling conversation with my parents and then im in my room and im scrolling through her pictures again and trying to remember if i ever actually knew her or she was my dream too.

i complimented someone today.

i made it a goal. to get myself to speak to people, id give at least one person a compliment a day at college. they hesitated, then said "thank you."

i suddenly felt so cold. nothing bad even happened. but the fraction of a moment that they looked at me, i felt everything inside me become rigid and disgusted. i realized just how wrong i am.

i am so sick of waiting and waiting and i dont even know what im waiting for. fighting through the day, every single day, until the day it all ends.

i dont understand what the point is. im here for my family and my cat. that is the only reason i can find. i dont believe ill be missed by anyone else and i dont even care. i just want it to be over. i dont care if my old classmates and my stupid exes miss me. i dont care.

i dont care.

im tired of being numb. my body is so hot but my brain is frigid. i feel it down my spine. i feel it seep inside my diaphragm and follow every breath. i go through the motions. i watch my legs move and my hands extend and i hear a voice trembling in my chest but none of it is me.

i  do   not       exist.