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I feel as though I am cursed to longingly pine after anything with a pulse
I am not proud to admit this, but I have been in over 15 romantic relationships and been cheated on by all but 3 of my previous partners, I have no idea where this strange habit of mine comes from, but I do have a few theories:
- Childhood neglect leading to severe attachment issues and fear of abandonment
- Compassion and empathy to the detriment of my better judgement
- FOMO from seeing all of my friends in successful happy and healthy relationships
- Inability to tell people no when asked out, even if the person wanting to date me is not a very good person
Most
likely it is a combination of all these factors, but the point I am
trying to make is that I used to date anyone who would ask me out, and
the urge to do so is still there, albeit very suppressed. The majority
of these relationships have been online, and all of them thrust upon me
with minimal input. I have never, in my entire life asked anyone
to date me or confessed my feelings to someone, it has always been the
other way around, same goes for breaking up (except for my ex-boyfriend
but that's a story for another day).
Yes, I am aware that being cheated on 12 times by 12 separate people makes it sound like I'm the problematic one, but I don't believe that to be the case, the issue is most of the people I got with were pick me girls or performative girls (I know the definitions kind of overlap but I consider them to be two separate things) who did things specifically to get male attention and then moved on once they were bored with me. Perhaps saying stuff like that makes me sound like I fit in with the incel or MGTOW crowd, but I don't consider myself either of those things.
I don't want to go into excessive detail about most of these relationships as they were negative in the long term, but I did have three partners (two of whom I still talk to today and am relatively close friends with), My first ever girlfriend was (at the time) the only person who felt I could rely on, she made me feel loved and seen in a way I had never felt before in my entire life. I finally felt whole and complete. She was the longest relationship I ever had, lasting 11 months, we split up because her mother didn't approve of me but that's a story for another day. I never had another partner like her, and I have been stuck in a cycle of trying to find someone like her ever since.
It's almost like a drug addiction in a way, I have been "chasing the dragon" so to speak for
about 5 years now, desperately longing for the sensation I had when I was with her, to the point that I was willing to get my heart broken again and again and again to the point of near suicidality for even a taste of what once was. I cannot continue on like this any longer, if I do I'll just plunge myself further and further down this rabbithole and feed into this addiction.Yes, I am aware that being cheated on 12 times by 12 separate people makes it sound like I'm the problematic one, but I don't believe that to be the case, the issue is most of the people I got with were pick me girls or performative girls (I know the definitions kind of overlap but I consider them to be two separate things) who did things specifically to get male attention and then moved on once they were bored with me. Perhaps saying stuff like that makes me sound like I fit in with the incel or MGTOW crowd, but I don't consider myself either of those things.
I don't want to go into excessive detail about most of these relationships as they were negative in the long term, but I did have three partners (two of whom I still talk to today and am relatively close friends with), My first ever girlfriend was (at the time) the only person who felt I could rely on, she made me feel loved and seen in a way I had never felt before in my entire life. I finally felt whole and complete. She was the longest relationship I ever had, lasting 11 months, we split up because her mother didn't approve of me but that's a story for another day. I never had another partner like her, and I have been stuck in a cycle of trying to find someone like her ever since.
It's almost like a drug addiction in a way, I have been "chasing the dragon" so to speak for
I want a stable relationship, I want to feel loved, I want someone who can be my lighthouse in the storm, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend, and my biggest supporter all at once so that I can be the same for them. But I can never truly have that ever again, can I? It seems now almost like it will be a forever unachievable goal, perhaps this ties into my previous post somewhat but that was not an intentional writing decision and I only noticed it as I wrote the previous sentence.
Maybe it's a matter of not being very physically attractive, maybe it's because I don't put myself out there enough, or maybe it's because there are no young women in the places I frequent and those that are there I would not consider dating (coworkers for example). No matter what the underlying cause it, the effect is the same:
I am caught in an endless cycle of addiction, I want for it to change but I don't even know how I would, and the longer it takes for me to figure it out, the further down I spiral.
Has anyone else dealt with this before?
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Eliza 🌷🦢
This is so real, I think its attachment issues/fear of abandoment for me. I have dated 12 people (I can barely rememeber their names) and a lot of the time I didn't really even know what a crush was so if someone was attractive I'd date them. My friends judge me for talking Abt dating 24/7 (Not actually but just a lot, the ppl I like etc) and it makes me feel like shit. I need someone 2 obbsess over or I'll literally go insane. Im aroace (Cupioromantic+aceflux) so it makes me feel so invalidated.