my hatred for my father

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just letting everyone know im doing better with my mental health now and also

TW discusses SH, suicidal ideation, abuse, and other sensitive topics. please do not read if you are uncomfortable with those topics!

long story but my dad was abusive. i found out he has a new business; hes like a wildlife photographer. i think i have to type it out bc i dont know how to put photos on a blog post (or if i can or not). me being me i decided to put my word in.

me - wow what a dedicated photographer!! too bad you couldnt be dedicated to your wife and kids and instead chose to physically and mentally abuse them

him - people can change and humans make mistakes.. big ones. i lost all the people that were important to me. "without people, your nothing" joe strummer

him - you must also understand that not everything youve been force fed is true.

him - if you ever want to discuss what actually happened, im open to doing so.

let me just like annotate real quick here. first and foremost he used the wrong "your/re" in the quote from joe strummer. also like how dare you quote joe strummer to me??!?! second i was NEVER force fed anything, i witnessed his abuse firsthand. third of all i think that comment really got to him because he deleted it and like went into damage control and like followed me and did all this stuff it was really funny. anyway i added him back after careful consideration and heres the messages i sent.

youre an evil cunt, i never had anything "force fed" to me. i witnessed your abuse with my own child eyes. i dont really think you grasp how much youve actually damaged us all but ill give you a few of my own examples. i cant look at power cords without thinking about when you strangled yourself with one. i cant play dodgeball in pe because you threw a phone at my head and every time something goes near my head i cry, and you wouldnt know that the girls scream at me in pe for sitting out of dodgeball and i can never say why because im so ashamed that i never had a father like theirs. someone in class said "i like rusty spoons" and i went and vomited in the toilets. i cant look at deer because it reminds me of you. i get emotionally attached to my male teachers because not once in my life have i ever had a father figure and you couldnt grow the fuck up and be one. fathers day every year i have a full on breakdown all because of you. i couldnt count the number of times ive dug into my thighs with a blade thinking about you and everything you did, i try to feel pain elsewhere because the pain of  having a father who abused my entire family consumes me and it only gets worse and worse as i get older. i cant help but sexually objectify myself for guys because ive never actually had male validation or unconditional love from a man. you wouldnt know the heart to heart i had with my teacher about how you ruined my life and how hard ive cried on my bedroom floor because i am hindered and different from every kid my age. when i see girls my age with their dads in public, i go home and i burst into tears because i wish i couldve had that. you know on camp this year we went to go see a movie and the guy in the movie started yelling at his girlfriend. all i could think about is when i was younger and hid under the bed and your voice boomed throughout that stupid house we lived in. how do you feel that your daughter (hard to call myself that since you arent and never were my dad) had a meltdown on a street corner in melbourne at 10 30 at night because she watched a movie in which someone was like you, ben? i was never force fed anything, i witnessed with my own eyes how badly you beat tom because of a pillow fight. a pillow fight. if anything, i just hope you are embarrassed at how pathetic of a "man" you are. you lost no one either, you just manipulated everyone into thinking mum lied. and if its the last thing i do, i will make sure you lose everyone because you lost nothing. do you know what my siblings and i all lost? our childhoods. do you know what mum lost? everything. dont ever sit on your fat fucking arse ever again and say you lost everyone important to you. if youre referencing us, your "family", that statement still holds true. we were never important to you. do you know what hurts? when your friends tell you how smart you are for your age. how emotionally intellegent you are at 15. "alice, i feel like i can tell you anything and youll always have good advice." hmm i wonder why. no other girl at my school has sat on her bedroom floor contemplating suicide every single night because daddy didnt love her, and she had to see daddy beat mum and beat her brothers. and she had to hear his big loud voice terrorising mum. do you know what hurts? when someone you trusted uses the information youve confided in them against you. "haha boys you know alice once told me she doesnt have a dad. well alice, you do and you have to accept that hes your dad, hes your father, despite all that." you never were my dad and you never will be. you know what hurts? when your music teacher suggests we play lucy in the sky with diamonds, and you used to play that song in the car, and i cried and begged him to not do that song, and i couldnt explain myself. that hurts. you are a piece of absolute scum on the face of this earth and it will be my lifes mission to make you miserable. why would you ever quote joe strummer to me too? the clash's manifesto was anti-violence and that does not align with your morals. the stench of hypocrisy exudes off you like milk left in the sun on a hot summers day. 

ill be updating with his reply soon. just wanted to post about this because im on this weird high of like getting revenge