being gay is scary

if you’ve seen my profile, you’d know that i’m not straight and i really like guys. online it’s completely fine if you’re gay or any lgbt, people don’t care at all but in real life, it’s a different story.

i’m scared of coming out. it’s been one of my biggest fears since 6th grade and i’ve been envious of people who are able to be public about it. i have this internalized homophobia in me, that sounds so fucking stupid but i do. sometimes i’ll feel ashamed of my own sexuality and i hate it. there’s times where i wish i wasn’t the way i was and was a normal straight person, but i’m not and i never will be. 

i was talking to this guy who’s publicly open about his bisexuality and he’s been giving me confidence about opening up and being public to my own orientation and shit, and it’s been helping but fuck man. i like this guy a lot, but he for sure doesn’t feel the same way about me. i can go on about that situation but i’ll just make that a different post. i just thank him that he’s really helping me. 

i hope one day i’ll be able to have enough confidence to tell people that i’m gay but right now, that’s not happening. especially with family having my school instagram and shit, it’s like fuck, what do i do? will my brother find out? it’s fucking terrifying and it shouldn’t be and i hate and i wish i wasn’t the way i was but i am and i can’t do anything about it because when i dated girls, i felt empty inside. i don’t feel anything when it comes to being in a relationship with a girl and my heart desires someone else, and don’t say “you haven’t found the right person”, that’s bullshit. i know i like guys and no girl can change that shit for me. 

fuck this area and it being so open about homophobia. fuck this area i’m leaving once i’m able to.