how i made saba

i always think about what i really feel. i feel like ive never felt anything that anyone else has given me. love, intercourse, gratitude, touch. this body is too alienated by such feelings to make me comfortable. i already have something to love and to feel me some love. i still feel nothing. this confusion enters the core of this foreign body until it makes me sick and longs for relief. i dont know why my father did what he did to me for 17 years. i dont know why people do what they do lying down when i was younger. it feels like its locked in my stomach and fused with the cells of my body and making love to it to the point that is the reason why i was created and stepping foot in this world. feels like gods promised his worldly closure to me and this body. i made Saba to feel.