I'm lonely, but it's on me.

I can't help but notice how lonely my days have become over the past year or so. I've never been one to have many friends. In fact, I used to have none growing up. But I really wanted them, so badly. I've had stages when I had many, big friend groups. I've had stages when it was only me and two other friends. Even times when it was only me and my best friend at the time. But never have I been as lonely as I am today. 

Most of the time I pretend not to care. Not notice, even. But I do. I keep wondering why. I tell myself that it's just the way things are working right now. That the circumstances and situations brought me to this position today. But deep down, I think I know that's not the reason. Deep down, I think I realize I self-sabotaged my way here. That I pushed everyone away one way or another. 

Maybe not fully conscious of my actions. Probably gaslighting my brain into thinking that I wasnt the bad guy. That I had no reason to feel guilty for my own pain. But then again, fuck. It WAS me. This is my fault.

I replay all my interactions with the people who surround me, or did at some point. Why I act the way I act, say the things I say, or feel the way I feel. And there it is. 

Maybe it's gotten worse, and easier to recognize with time, but I see it so clearly now. Whenever someone tries to get close, to approach, this overwhelming feeling of pure fear and anxiety fills my body and sinks into my stomach. I don't know what it is, but it scares me so much, I end up distancing myself. I get quiet. I make up excuses to stay home, or leave early. To stay private. 

That sucks because, not only do I end up abandoned by my own will, but I also manage to upset everyone else. People aren't stupid; they notice. And since they are met with little (usually no) explanation that is hard to understand, they get the wrong ideas. They think I'm rude, that I don't care or that I'm not interested in them or whatever they have to offer in my life. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I do care, I do want them in my life, and I do want to know every single detail about them, their lives, and everything about them that could change my own. I feel unwanted almost 90% of the time, so I really do love knowing some people out there want to get to know me. To willingly hang out with me and be my friends. I feel so awfully disgusting when I make someone feel like I don't want them, like I'm selfish.

So why do I do it? Why am I so terrified of being SEEN? How can I crave honest, safe connection but fear it so much I make people disappointed enough to leave on their own? Why do I search for the same isolation that consumes me and darkens my soul?

I promise I'm a good person. I promise I love so deeply. I never mean to hurt anyone, but I end up doing it anyway, and I promise that I'm sorry.