(tw: mentions of suicide) Day 3 of Grieving Zair

I shared about my friend's passing to my tattoo artist (TA) while I was being tattooed yesterday.

I have mixed feelings about talking about it, because people don't usually like to be told graphic details to protect their peace or whatever, but also, isn't it important to face the truth of things? Death and its many pathways are a part of life. Sheltering ourselves from it as much as we can makes us unprepared for it when it will eventually happen, even at unexpected times. I don't know; I don't wanna make people uncomfortable by talking about crazy, scary stuff, but also, sharing stuff about Zair to other people makes him exist further. I want people to know about him. I don't want to be the last person to still talk about him ever just because he's passed away. I don't want people to just forget about him because he's passed away.

When I shared my recordings of him with my friends, one of my friends said that he realized that he hadn't heard Zair's voice in a while. I can summon his voice in my head whenever. I literally cannot forget. I'm just sad that... we do have to move on, but we don't have to move on without you, man. Literally, I'll take you with me. Let me print your face and frame it. You can come with me to places. At the very least, I'd like him on my desk.

I got consent to share this information with my TA, BY THE WAY. I didn't just "trauma-dump" out of the blue or whatever people say. I was like, "wait, can I tell you..." and "do you want to know...". He encouraged it for conversation, I suppose, but he, too, understands.

Anyways, my TA was able to relate, having lost someone very close to him recently and also right before his birthday (what a coincidence. Well, Zair passed many months ago, but I barely found out, so it's just like it just happened in my perspective). I cried a little and laughed about it in front of my TA. I can't be sad. Zair wouldn't want that; he wants us to laugh.

I find it more funny than depressing, really. That even knowing how Zair committed suicide, all I can think of is: that is so characteristically him. Even as tragic everything is, it was still so him. I just wanna tell everyone, because he's so funny. He would be the one to do all that. Set it up in the way that he did. You would not have been able to separate his actions from him.

I guess suicide is super taboo and horrific in general, but Zair makes it silly in his case. Maybe it's because I knew him. When people find out someone committed suicide, they envision depressing images in their mind, even the person they envision is unhappy; after all, who wants to kill themselves? The action is usually born out of despair, anyways—exhaustion from living and struggling against the stresses of life. And, I get it: I would visualize those things, too. But, I knew him and how he pulled it off was funny, and I'm going to stick to that.

In fact, he probably would enjoy me telling people how he died. He would find it funny, as well. We had a sick sense of humour like that occasionally. I think that's why I'm eager to tell people. He found it entertaining/interesting to set it up the way he did. I bet he wants us to tell everyone so they know how funny and awesome and a messed up, crazy, twisted fucking cycle-path he was ("ironically"). Fuck you, Zair.

you didnt have to die

He spent a lot of his time playing video games with his friends for hours on-end in voice calls on Discord. He was eager to spend time with us whenever he had free time. It was perfect for me also, because I had a lot of free time during my Master's program, so the timezone difference didn't matter as much. We'd play games at like 9AM PST at our grown age (go get a job, you bums!). He talked about his social and romantic life, his hobbies, his brother, etc. He loved cooking, or maybe he just knew a lot about cooking but thought it was mid. There's so much more to him than his suicide. Why would I visualize his despair and how sad it is that he died? He was insanely perceptive, receptive, and an overall great guy. Although, we weren't particularly the best at video games... That goes to another friend who Zair and I both probably wished we could perform as well as. This charming man with his own shortcomings (getting carried in Valorant sometimes); that's right: we all have our strengths and weaknesses. What's a Doctorate to a ranked lobby? Exactlyyy.

He was such a nerd. A studious boy who just wants to play games and spend time with his friends and family. He just wanted to spend time with us the most. Often, he'd sit in voice-call and wait for someone to join. I think he was still working but at-home, so he'd stream whatever he was doing on his computer. He was slated to graduate in May 2028 for a Doctorate in Medicine. Sighhhhh.

Genuinely, how can I not blame myself a little? Or how can I not feel some guilt for his suicide? I guess most people would feel a sense of responsibility when someone close to them kills themselves, because they think about how they could have prevented it. I do, too. Not being there for him when I could have... but I didn't know. I just didn't know. I know it's okay that I didn't know and that it isn't my fault, but I wish I did know... I wish I did.

I bet you (Zair) would be surprised I care so much. I bet you thought I didn't like you anymore. Everyone thought so, which is why no one told me, I think. My big freaking mistake!!! You were still my friend, and of course, I didn't want you to freaking die!!! You're missing out on the latest memes, bruv. You're missing out on very cool vocal stims you could spam with us. Come on, man.

Can you, instead, come back on the anniversary of your death and play it off as some faked-your-death scenario? On some resurrection "type shit"? That'll be funny, too, so you should do it. Totally.

Sorry for any insensitive comments I made here. Please don't harass me. I'm coping.

23 October 2025 (1:41 AM)