turning 20

turning 20 for me was a lot less mourning my childhood and teenage years and alot more of me mourning the version of myself that could have been had my mom not die. i fear i will never feel feminine enough to even exist a woman and i feel so bad how much i see other women as competition. idk i blame the patriarchy or the mongols or whatever. but i dont even feel like im on the same scale as other girls nor do i feel as though i can be even considered on the same plane.

i so badly wish my mom didnt die and for selfish reasons. ive been trauma blocking it since it happened cuz i hate dealing with my feelings and as im entering my first true years of womanhood, i find myself missing pressence of her more and more. can i even call it missing her pressence if i dont remember how or who she was but rather i mourn the lack of a mother figure in my life who could have tought me how to be a woman. 

i will forever be sorry for ignoring my feelings towards her death and somehow flipping it and making it about me but im in a confusing era of my life just yearning to find something to pin the blame on for me not knowing anything and hating myself like all the time. but theres no way i can somehow tie my moms death into the reason i hate myself so much lmao. one day ill find a better excuse. matter of fact, one day ill start fw myself.

ik people know that i dont know how to be a woman. i can tell when ever they double glance at me doing something delicately because it doesnt seem right nor authentic. nothing about me is naturally feminine and it is so obvious that i am faking everything "i know". wearing girl clothes, doing my hair, getting my nails done feels like trying to paint over bumpy and prickly skin that cannot be covered. its ok tho. though i dont get to experience the highs of girlhood or feeling secure in femininity, i still get to enjoy my painful periods that put me through mood swings where sewer slide is always in the line up of thoughts i have to myself the second im not drowning myself out with music or surrounding myself with people. lol im dramatic asl my b

 ok bye