Elevating voices doesn't mean silencing others.

This happened to me and it felt bad. I figured I'd share my experience. I do this partially to get it out of my head but also in the hopes of learning from it. 

For context: I'm in school to be a social worker. My classmates and professors lean Liberal to Left and so do I. Social work has become a generalized set of practices that range from advocacy to individual intervention. There's lots of casework- connecting people with the support they need to grow and change in their own vision. There's a lot of people who want to be therapists. 

This is a story about how good intentions can go awry.

One of my favorite additions to my theories of development class is when we get in a big circle and talk stuff out. I get to listen to other people's perspectives and even share some of my own. For example, during our spirituality class I got to share that I had left what I would characterize as a Christian right wing cult. Some of my colleagues were able to release some pent up trauma that they had around religion. Some of us wept. It can be a very safe place. 

Yesterday, we were talking about culture. We touched on a few topics ranging from how culture is formed and how it changes. Towards the end we are talking about how culture can oppress. I'm an eager participant typically but it felt right to stay mostly quiet and encourage others to speak up. I wanted to do what was good for the circle and keep things flowing. One of the participants kept raising their hand and bringing it back to their personal experience. That's normally fine but there were a lot of other voices that didn't get heard. 

I have been real patient with this person (let's call them G), they talk a lot and have expressed that they have a bias against me. G has a bias against straight white cisgender men. But I decided not to let that color how I view them. I know that white dudes do a lot of bad stuff. I know white dudes are doing a lot of bad stuff. I don't mind showing up for people who don't fully trust me. I even offered to carpool with them so they could save money. We share a field assignment downtown where the parking is expensive. They mostly dominate the conversation on these rides. On more than one occasion I mention to G that being lumped in with straight white cisgender men makes me feel uncomfortable. 

For one, you don't know what I've got... and for second, I'm out here putting in work to be a good ally. I have a friend group that's so diverse it would make a university admissions pamphlet blush. I volunteer my time, money, and energy to help social causes in my city. I'm present and working to be better every day. It's minimalizing to be placed in a bucket with a large group of people and to be treated as a stereotype. Look, I may be in the same bucket as Joe Rogan but is it fair to assume that we're the same? That seems like an oversight to me. 

As we were coming in on our final 10 minutes our instructor asked, "Is there anything we can do to help alleviate the pressure that dominant cultures put on minorities/ disenfranchised/ non-dominant groups?" Some silence followed and I raised my hand. I finally had something to contribute. I went to speak and G interrupted me. "Are we really just going to let a cisgender straight white man get the last word?" 

My professor looks at me and says, "Is it alright if we make your comment short so someone else can round it out?" What else could I say other than yes? So I rattle off a few sentences and we choose a favorite closer, Joe. He's great and I don't regret ceding time to him. But I still felt awful afterwards. I felt minimized and that my experiences didn't matter. Honestly, there was a whole rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts. They ranged from self-deprecation (for feeling slighted when the intentions were probably good)(boo hoo, the white guy didn't feel heard- try being x,y,z) to anger (why would they choose to characterize me like I was a thief trying to steal valuable time from others?) to sadness (I thought G was my friend, would a friend treat another friend like this?). Anyway ya'll, that's what happened and how it felt. Having a day to reflect really helped me to gain some of this perspective. 

I might write some stuff on this later. I think there's a lesson about how to keep multi-cultural coalitions healthy in here somewhere. But in the meantime, check and see if you really need to silence someone. Don't just assume that someone can't contribute useful or helpful dialogue because of surface level impressions of them.