Goodbye letter to nobody

I feel like I’m drowning.

I know how it feels like, I’ve tried once. 

Can you stop talking be about your thoughts of ending it all ? 

I don’t like what it reminds me of.

All alone, kneeling on the cold tiles at four in the morning, hair all damp and old tshirt, a handful of ripped hair clutched between trembling fingers, wondering what I’ve done.

What could a kid do when the adult they admire the most begs god to make it stop ?

She didn’t say a word in days. 

She stopped eating. 

She stopped seeing us.

She wanted us near but in the end she wasn’t even here when holding my hand.

All that pain slowly became physical, under the shape of a small, small ball of nothing but death and destruction, slowly growing, god’s way of saying fuck you. She was giving birth a third time, birth to a goodbye. That’s what I thought. I’ve never been so scared.

And like an idiot, I’ve told someone. I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of so much people in my life. Stupid salted water I’ve missed so much but I wanted it gone. Gone. I tried but it came back so much worse and I started to drown again.

Maybe it wasn’t real but it felt worse than the time I tried. 

You don’t mean a word of what you’re saying, only trying to grab my pity and attention. Stop telling me. I don’t wanna know about your attempts. Are you trying to get me to say then kill yourself ? Out loud ? It’s a trap. I wouldn’t have done any better. I couldn’t even help who mattered the most, and you make me feel like a little kid all over again. Find someone else. I don’t need you. 

But please don’t.

You know I didn’t mean that.

I’m sorry

Lee