Everyday Diary ♡ 20.10.25

Baking today,, made some upside down apple pastry.

I didn't eat it until maybe 3 or 4 hours after I made it.

Recently the bottle of strawberry lotion I'm using had been running out.

I buy the stuff in bulk 'cause it's cheaper,, so I only really need to buy 2 or 3 bottles to last for maybe almost a year. 10-11 months give or take.

I buy it overseas for cheaper so that's why I never buy it often.

Trying to make it stretch by shaking it vigorously before use,, and it kind of reminds me of when you run out of tomato sauce and kinda try to force it out but everything splatters.

Why am I trying to make it stretch anyway? I have another unopened bottle sitting in the back of my shelf near the closet.

Makes me kinda sad, I think, to see so much left sitting at the bottom and leaving me thinking, "what a waste."

I had a really good snack platter this afternoon.

I like having a little mid-day snack before dinner,, because I usually have brunch instead of breakfast and lunch.

Apple slices with greek yoghurt and caramel sauce.

Half a packet of plain crackers because i ate 3 of them yesterday then couldn't finish it so i stuffed it into the fridge for next use,, which was today.

and the last slice of soft cheese.

It's much less difficult on the stomach.

And also some sliced sausages i fried in olive oil and added spices to because my parents like making plain boiled sausages a little more often than i like eating plain boiled sausages.

And of course, a glass of water.

This is not the glass I usually use but I think it is okay too. 

It was a very good snack. 

I like eating. I also like cooking. It's a win-win on both parts.

I like cooking for other people but it's not always that they feel like eating it.

I wanna give food 2 the neighbors more often. I usually only do if I make really big portions that the family can't finish,, and today I was baking using leftovers so there wasn't much to use to make more.

At times I think I don't like who I am, but that's an error from my brain

I do like who I am, I just don't like who I am when I can't be myself.

Objectively, I think, I am cute. Subjectively also. I am cute. Point blank period.

It's just it's difficult feeling that way when you're considered really big and tall for your age

I've been told I'm smart and that I'm so mature or that my skin is good or that I'm skilled

but I think I like it most when I'm told I'm cute.

When someone compliments my bag saying, 'how cute! especially the keychains.'

that set of words makes me so much happier compared to anything else.

Another thing is I'm not really too mature. I always feel like I have to always know everything, always be on top of things, always be right and always be good.

I'm not. I'm 18, I'm childish and have childish interests, I care more about decorating my blog and cutting pictures to put on my wall than I want to spend time worrying about things that are, "adult."

My younger sibling is much more eloquent than me. I don't know if that's a sign of me teaching them well or me being the one lagging behind.

I'm glad, though, that they seem to have their emotions straight together.

A while ago they were showing me something they were building and said, "I'm so proud of myself," and yeah, me too, lil' guy.

Me on the other hand, I find it so so hard to deal with.

I struggle so much to keep my inside feelings separate from outside doings

I struggle so much to understand what's going inside in my head.

Always ending up overcomplicating it, always get so carried away, so easily bothered.

The psychologist I go to asked me, "what are you feeling,,?"

when I was crying. I couldn't describe it exactly. Out of the , "simple emotions," we talked about, they suggested that I was sad.

I was crying but I didn't feel sad at all. I couldn't describe this thing as simply,"sad," because I wasn't. It was really suffocating, felt choking, a lot to deal with, a lot to think about. 

"overwhelmed," would be point accurate.

I know now that they meant, probably, "the next closest" to what i was feeling next to the simple emotions of happy, angry, sad, etc,,

but at the time I couldn't really understand that and didn't think that simply, "sad," was a good enough descriptor.

That's the thing with me.
It needs to be laid out, piece for piece exactly.

Either it is exactly or it isn't

and it makes it so hard to understand things that aren't definite.

It's so much more easier for me to have a place for everything,, but some things,, really just have no place and you just gotta learn to work around it.

Okay,, this is getting a little rant-y. 

my laundry i hung out yesterday seems to be completely dry now so I'm gonna fold it all tomorrow

probably....

also I didn't vaccum today because i forgot. 

I think it's better to do that on sundays and fridays, anyway.

I go to the gym tomorrow. if i am feeling well because yesterday i had a fever.

i still don't really know how to use weights. I've just been following the steps i saw on pintrest,, and i do 3x10 of each step of that routine

before that, i spend around 30-40 minutes on the spinny cycling thing then 1 hour on the treadmill.

after that we go home. i also drink water in between each activity,

usually we spend maybe 2 hours there,,, at gym.

it is fun but the music is loud and the lights are bright.

it is okay though because i have headphones also i bring sunglasses too though i end up not really needing them because by the time i feel like i've been staring at the lights too long, i go to the treadmill which overlooks a window with a nice view of the sky.

i only really use the treadmill on 1.4-1.5 speed for most of the time,, and only speed it up around the time it(my 1hr)'s gonna end

okay thats oll by by lamby sleepy :-[

また明日ね♡