everyone hates me 4 no reason

I get into those moods where I'm like,

"No one cares about me," 

"Why should they care,"

"I don't deserve it."

then it turns into,

"I don't care about me,"

"Why should I care,"

"I don't deserve anything."

I mean, I guess it's normal to have those thoughts pop up once or twice but when it gets rlly bad something kinda needs 2 b done.

I tried to put more effort into my life, into me.

My dad's noticed me feeling low so he's been bringing me to the gym and it's good fun.

I feel like that's a thing dads and parents just do. They don't really understand fully what's going on, but try their best to lure you out of your self misery with things they think is good for you.

I often feel utterly lonely and a good combat to that is good 'ol outside sun, even for little reasons like getting ice cream or looking at the beach.

Sometimes it's not like I don't wanna do anything, i just want someone else to bring me with them.

I want desperately to be included and to share what I have. 

Isn't that a normal part of human connection?

Sometimes I'm troubled at why I'm so worried at something so simple like this.

Again, human connection feels foreign, I always feel like I'm doing it wrong,

through everything I feel disconnected.

But, in my own way, I hope that I do get to feel connected, somewhat,

and stay strong on my two feet despite my missteps and occasional failures.

I want to notice more, the things and people that make me happy,

and I don't want to keep myself in a loop of self-isolation when there's so much to do

so many games to play and movies to watch

weekend events and cons to prep for

cosplays i wanna make and things i wanna do with and for my friends

i deleted discord off of my phone and didn't bother to even check it because i felt it was just meaningless to spend so much time just reading messages from random servers and no one ever actually talks to me

 but my friend charlie (shoutout Charlie if u r reading this,, also idrk how rss works but it is cool you get updates on my blog)) replied 2 my arts and sent me messages then i was like "huh actually people Do Talk to me." my friend Does Not Hate me and in fact it was an overthinking in my imagination and actually i am being thought about and invited and cared.

i stayed at home purposefully abstaining from social events because i thought to myself,

"i'll do it when i'm better," "when I have someone to go with," "i cant go like this."

,making excuses,

then the girl i met at a drawing session and people whom i met Once or Twice Irl were all talking to me about how they wanted to go to a con together and were so excited for the festival at the end of this year so we could meet up again and suggested we'd all dress up and cosplay together.

even my brother, whom i find strange and unlikeable <----- he never talks to me and in my brain i think that he is mean to me and nicer to my other siblings,, says goodbye and tells me to lock the door before he heads to work. his voice is never as full of disdain as i think it is, even when he's visibly angry or annoyed he only ever talks to me softly

and that, 

"no one cares,"

becomes meaningless when i realise that, yeah, people do care. So many people do.

It's just hard to see it sometimes, when you can't even care for yourself.

That's something i'm doing more. caring for myself, living intentionally.

i hope that i can see it more,, too. To notice more of the good things than stay in the bad.

more and more,

i want to be able to see the happy things in life.

もっともっと、、、、

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