thing I don't understand Abt islam

rn i made a bulletin Abt trying to do a handstand , cause I was feeling down for a couple of days seeing that my childhood boy who I thought of rival first then crush have gotten so much ahead of me, not only him but many people more I really am a pathetic case, BUT I am fine with it cause I will get better they just happened to get "better" before me and it's fine , I was so ready for starting but something that always happens happended

my mom started literally shouting at me cause I forgot to do the dishes , she does not I say not scoulded me normally there is nothing norammaly Abt the way she does. In school I constantly get in trouble and get scolded by teachers but there is a big difference between them and her my mom.

teachers shouting is like really well , they have a point and it is to make me better but my mom says something of the worst stuff

I once said to includ them in another blog but I don't have courage I don't want to be a "wannve wimpy truma spoiled brat " ppl say them all have parental problems nowadays just because they got there phone taken or got scolded because of a youunger sibling . this makes those who have actually family problems feel bad Abt them like I do

just 1 hr ago she said the thing that I feel like is the worst she says , I remember the first time she said that and all the times she said that , and it's only time specific line ( I don't react to anyothe really) but this line is the worst.

GO DIE ! WE WIL CRY TWO DAYS AND THEN WILL LIVE THE HAPPIEST OF LIVES

she said that and I slapped myself multiple times , it wantnt enough so I scratched myself with my nails. now I have marks on my face 

I constantly cut myself with blade my whole left arm is filled with blade cuts 

upon seeing me slap my face  my mom said to hit myself more and more 

"WAKE UP IN MORING AND SLAP YOUR SELF TWO TIMES DAILY EVERDAY"

"YOUR FACE IS ONLY WORTH FOR SLAPS"

no mom please oh God please let my face be worth of kisses and smile too please I beg u

at school I was alone for most years of my life and social anxiety was all I had

I was given a chance when I repeated 9 th grade and I made friends and better my social skills now most ppl in school knows me at good terms so I can't tell them this

I wanted to write this for long but rn I am doing so with out thinking

so my question is that in my religion Islam no matter what parents say or do we are not allowed to even say 'uff', but oh no ! my my I talk back!! shit I even give them curses I can't help it

since I was younger my parents thought launching curses and betting would make our children prodigy 

well well 

here I am father mother

I curse

and I hit myself 

I get angry at small things and I hate every single one of my friends too 

just like how u showed me

no ?? is this not how it was supposed to be ? well apologies I am not sagacious like brother or lill sis , they both were the perfect products of your way of raising childern. guess what? u failed at me 

so yes I do curse them and I am worng by my religion too 

God what Abt the point they make me abuse my own body, the emotions that lead me to abuse myself ( which is also not allowed in Islam) is it not cause of the very parents , huh? so how can I love them ? how can u forgive them? 

then the worst part is that after all this they pretend they are working day night to give me every thing which they do and I love them for that but But they act like I am worng in all of it ! why father why do I cry myself to sleep everyday 

why ? do I cut my arm with the old rustly paper cutter u think u threw out why do I wish and I rebel every other week for not suicideing ? pls tell me pls