I think i should be a little proud of myself

It was on thursday when I set up my first appointment at my college counseling service place with a new therapist.  When I was in middle school I was mandatorily put into therapy on account that I had been struggling with self harm and suicidal ideation.   Last year in december I finally graduated from therapy, and I was glad to because the more I got better the more I noticed how odd my therapist was about certain topics.

But hay nuts to that! Because now I'm the one taking the action to help myself. I think I'm most inspired by lucas lockhart from the webtoon starcatcher.  After his traumatic childhood and long years of self blame and such he finally takes initiative to start seeing a counselor. And my childhood may have not been as horribly traumatic as his but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows either.

And it's not really all sunshine and rainbows now either, I have to deal with highschool and college simultaneously , and it may be surprising but college is not the issue at hand,  the issue is actually the stress that comes from highschool! Each friday recently it seems I'm always so worn out and just dissociative after lunch or even before that, I'm never able to do my work on that day and honestly I can barely muster up any effort on the weekends.  Sometimes I feel suicidal still, but I know all I really want is a real break, not some bullshit thanksgiving week off where we celebrate an unjust genocide of the native people, but like a real fucking break, one where there would be no consequences for me not doing anything, so much so that I wouldn't even be so tired to only be able to doom scroll.. no! I'd actually have the damn bandwidth to have fun and do stuff and not just be on my damn tablet all the fucking time. If I weren't so constantly burnt out in think I'd  actually have fun with my hobbies.

I'm excited for my appointment,  it's too bad I won't be able to talk to the therapist about everything,  I'm a minor and if I opened up about being a masochist after my history of self harm that would land me in serious trouble with my probably vanilla minded parents. I just don't think my new therapist would react very well nor calmly if he knew I was fond of the taste of my own blood and the feeling of a blade cruising through my supple flesh. I hate when people like me who are teens aren't allowed to embrace kink, or are questioned alot about whether they are sure nor not, like dude I have gone back and forth with myself about this and whether or not I could be tricking myself. And yknow what I've been a freak since I was a child, I remember experimenting for the first time and thinking I was coming to a logical conclusion that if I made it hurt it would feel even better and yknow what to me I was right, but now i can see that those were early signs or my masochism, and theres no point in denying it anymore. Especially since I do it very responsibly,  I clean and sterilize my tools and spot of cutting, I make sure to give proper after care to both myself emotionally and physically to the wounds.

Long story short imma have to be real vague about things, or just not talk about them at all till I'm legally old enough to have a sexuality