i should delete everything and go to a doctor

my skin is weirdly hot a lot of the time. it's weird. sometimes i'll touch my arm and it'll literally burn my hand. i feel crazy. like am i just crazy? is that a real thing that happens? it feels real i know it's real but what if i'm wrong and it's not even real and i'm CRAZY!!!????! i don't know. my face feels really weird. right now.

still depressed. but like duh that's kinda how depression works. it stays forever or something like that.

it really sucks though like i wish it would just like...end. like whyy won't it just go away. so annoyingggggg!

i really want to go away and delete everything. i say this all the time. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the time. and i nver follow through! if i do delete something, it's just the app. i know i can get it back- so i always get it back. it always comes back like michael afton :(. i can't delete the accounts. to many memories! too many comments! too many something else i find important but doesn't really matter in the long term! and the numbers. the numbers. they are so bad for me. i feel chained to them. i just hit a really cool milestone recently. 10k followers. that's. that's fucking scary lmao i hate that. that's too many people. it's scary. but now because there's all these eyes, i definitely feel the pressure to post online more. i was stuck at 6k for ages. and that is a big number too, but i got used to it because i had that amount for so long. but even then i felt like i had to be posting all the time for these people. i felt like everything had to make sense. everything had to be in order? now it's been bumped up bc that number has gotten bigger. crazy bigger. i think i went from 6k to 10k in like a MONTH. all over some cringe ass tadc fanart LOL. nows it's like SHIT. all these people are saying they won't more from me. i can't leave. i can't disappear now. that's not allowed. i have to make more!

i wasn't made for this. 

i wasn't meant to be posting my art online in the first place. i wasnt made for all these eyes to be on me. i never cared for fame or numbers. i still don't (except for the xppen and ohuhu thing i would love to be sponsored by them and that's it but other than that i fr don't LOL). i was made to animate. be behind a desk in a studio or something. i believe this. i believe that if i have any purpose on this stupid rock and if there is some grand scheme to my existence (even though i don't necessarily believe in a higher power that much lol), i believe it was to make cartoons. i FEEL IT. every time i animate i feel like i'm doing what i'm SUPPOSED to be doing. because it feels good. but i deviated. i started posting art online and instead of it being a thing i did just for the funsies and it not being a big deal i became attatched to it. i focused on illustrations and i stopped practicing my animations. i will never forgive myself for that. and now because i've been attached for so damn long, i don't know how to go back to that. i can't find that child who made terrible animations in flipaclip and thought the were the best thing ever. i can't find her anymore. all the comparing and the self hatred has drowned out basically every inch of my inner child. they hate me i know that's for sure. i think every version of me hates me and will ALWAYS hate me because all i've ever done is hurt me, whether on purpose or not. 

my nose hurts. or my head?

my face feels odd.

and my brain's all fogged up so i don't know how to end this.

i can't even remember where this was originally gonna go. it was gonna go in this direction but not entirely in this direction. yeah. i was gonna talk about the whole deleting everything thing but then i started talking about something completely different lol. 

ooooooopsie!