|October 11th| mental state as of now

I’m often clueless to my current state of mind, every now and then I am able to pick up on others perception of me.

When in thought of the hatred for humanity in my possession I see how faulty oneself can be at times. I’ve often found myself bothered by those who act like nothing is wrong, those who I’d see outside living as if they weren’t even conscious in the first place. As I have pondered about who I am the view of others is where I looked. My feelings are not conveyed, I’ve always been hiding, hiding so deep down not only do such few know me but i no longer know myself. This is the most authentic feeling in me, the one thing I can trust.

Truthfully I am nothing but pathetic, all of this time what I’ve looked down upon has been nothing but internalised, all stemming from my own self hatred. Of course I’ve always been aware of this hatred, this feeling is one so prominent I have no doubt.

I've wondered if this is just the way things are, if I can even get better, ever since I was 11 everything around has changed.

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Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychologist. (10th October)

The doctor says I've had it difficult, I find it hard to believe. At the same time that I feel nothing that has happened to me warrants misery like this there is some part within me where I'm able to  recognise my struggles. most of the session was nothing out of the ordinary, I answer the usual questions and how everything is just ok, towards the end I let my guard down, speaking of my fear for being abused by men i found myself in a confrontational position, I hate lying and thus she now  knows I'm hiding important information. I do not want it to be known despite needing it to be, Im ashamed of how weak and vulnerable I really am. She was very direct with her questioning, I felt as if I had been caught in a horrible lie.

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