I can’t live, laugh, love in these conditions

I’m ngl everything rn lowkey sucks. 

Being home sucks. I can’t even leave ny own room at this point. Every interaction with my brother is awful. I say one wrong thing and he falls back into a deep depression and then my mom acts like its my fault. I don’t mean. I swear to fucking god I don’t mean to do it. So I just stopped talking to him altogether. 

Or sometimes I’ll hear him slamming shit around. Hard. And it’s so scary dude. I genuinely get scared of leaving my room, idfk if he’s gonna lash out at me or not. I’ve dealt with abuse before. I’m not doing that shit again.

So I’m just really stressed out all the time now. Everything is just fan fucking tastic. And it’s to the point where it’s triggering my own bullshit problems so everything is just stupid rn.

I’m usually good at masking it. Most days I feel like shit, whatever. For some reason today I just couldn’t. Idk. And I feel really bad because my friends had to deal with it but for some reason I just could not pull my shit together so that sucked. To the point where my friend actually had to get serious with me and check on me. Deadass almost cried right then and there. Ts is lowkey pathetic. I don’t want to bother my friends like that. They’re all stressed and dealing with their own shit, I don’t want to be another thing they gotta worry about. So this is all STUPID. Everything is STUPID. 

I care about my friends so so much. Genuinely. I hate that I’m worrying them. I have this one friend that I feel better 99% of the time right away just by being near him. Idk. Ig today was that 1% of failure. Awesome. It’s only monday I’m so #done.