the past

hello again the few people who actually bother to read these

today i want to talk about the past

its so easy to let your past, both your actions and the things you've gone through to drag you down as a person

i know i have for years now

and while it's okay to have trauma, and to be hurt by the things you go through, it doesn't excuse being a shitty person

i don't want to be a shitty person anymore

well

i feel like its frankly impossible for me NOT to be sh***y

but i want to be less sh***y

i think i've been doing pretty good at it so far

i've been a lot more understanding, calm, and thoughtful

at least in my opinion

the old me would've probably yelled a bunch of insults at xy before blocking them again for trying to contact me

but now im the new and trying to improve jaden!!!

jaden 2.0, now with more emotional baggage yet with the hope to become a better person

heh thats a lobotomy corp ref

anyways, i think about my past all the time still

i don't want to stop thinking, i don't want to run away from it

i've been accepting my past, the good and bad, the things that were my fault and the things that were just of circumstance

i regret things still, a lot of things

i regret how i've treated past partners, past friends

i left night in the dust so many times, the one person who probably actually wouldn't even leave me... who CARES if there was an age gap!!!

in fact she still sends me tiktoks occasionally LOL

i dont know if i should respond.. it might be awkward, i'm not sure

i regret so much, but i'm willing to try to move past that, to improve upon myself

my love is still going to be weird and obsessive, but thats just a part of my character at this point

i dont want to change the way i love

well i mean i DO just not that part

im also working on being a better partner

i want to listen to my partner

i want to not blow up at them if they come up with concerns

i want to be there for my partner, and their problems

EVEN IF THEIR PROBLEMS ARE CONSTANT AND VERY ANNOYING

sometimes i have the urge to just tell people to "suck it up" whenever they complain but that's the old jaden inside of me

LOL now im imagining that as like the green goblin mask

"you make me sick......"

what else to say here?

ah, i've also been imagining the words and things i'll do to express love to a partner

this includes poems

i hate poems, writing and reading them, but love poems are the one exception

this is one i've been cooking up in my brain

My love

Your presence makes my heart leap

Such a leap of faith I want to take with you

Eternally we will be together, through and through

My love

Do you miss me in my absence?

For even as we speak, I crave you more and more

Eternally my love, eternally you warm up my core

My love

The time I spend with you fills me with joy

Everytime I speak to you, I end up falling head over heels

Eternally me and you, the way I love you feels like a whole new deal

i think its alright, not the best

that's all for this one

try and get this lyric

That when I talk to you, oh, Cupid walks right through
And shoots an arrow through my heart...