Unlearning Survival

I know I’m not easy to love.

I’ve stopped trying to deny it.

The things I’ve been through changed me,

left me cautious and wired and always waiting for something to go wrong.

I hate that about myself,

how I can turn something soft into a warning sign,

how I can be happy and still search for proof

that it won’t last.

I think too much.

It’s exhausting being inside my own head sometimes.

I overanalyze every tone, every pause,

every shift in someone’s eyes, someone's body language.

I replay conversations until they don’t even sound real anymore.

I pick them apart,

trying to find the moment where things start to fall apart,

even when they haven’t.

I get scared.

I crave reassurance and then hate myself for needing it.

Sometimes I pull away just to see if someone will follow.

Sometimes I act distant

because it’s easier to pretend I don’t care

than admit how much I do.

And yeah, I ruin good things.

I don’t mean to,

it’s just that peace feels suspicious when you’ve lived too long without it.

I keep expecting love to leave,

so I start saying goodbye before anyone else does.

It’s a terrible habit,

and I know it,

but knowing doesn’t make it stop.

Still, when I love,

it’s all-consuming.

It’s the kind of love that remembers your smallest details,

the kind that listens even when I’m tired,

the kind that stays even when I’m hurting.

I’ll love you even if my hands are shaking.

Even if I’m falling apart.

Even if everything in me is screaming to run.

Because my love doesn’t come in halves.

It’s whole or nothing.

It’s fire and ruin and rebuilding.

It’s showing up after the storm

with what’s left of me and saying,

“I still want to try.”

I know I’m complicated.

I know I ask for patience I can’t always return.

But I also know what I can give.

I can give honesty,

even when it’s messy.

I can give care,

even when I’m tired.

I can give love that doesn’t fade when things get hard.

I’m a hard person to be with.

But if you choose to love me anyway,

you’ll never have to wonder if I mean it,

because I always do.

Even when I’m breaking,

I mean it.

-dmnd