10/4/25

im 21 years old. idrk what i wanna do with my life. i never thought i'd get this far tbh. i like to draw and make music and cook and stuff but trying to monetize the few things in life that give me joy seems like a bad choice. i've been kinda just drifting from person to person hoping that one of them would like me back. i like talking and being around other people more than they like being around me. people dont find it particularly attractive that i live with my parents, but i dont really want to be there either, i just havent found any kind of living arrangement where i'd be able to get a job and afford rent, and my mother guilts me and my adult siblings into staying to help take care of our ALS father but like, its driving all of us crazy. its been like this since before i graduated high school and everyone i talk to only wants to downplay the kind of environment its created.  i feel trapped at all angles and i have been for years and im tired of it, i just cant fiscally afford to leave and i cant trap my brothers here with my crazy narcissist control freak mom and my racist vegetable former child hitting father for the rest of their lives. i dont think anyone is going to save me. idk what to do, but i dont wanna die in this house. 

idk
4:00am october 4th 2025
shae