october 2. 2025

this was a hard one to write i cried a lot thank u for reading.

truth n reconciliation day is over now. day after my coworker dm me to ask what smudging means. i know that she doesnt mean to be rude but ive seen the amount of communication they get telling them not to ask coworkers for education AND she had ignored me earlier and cuts me out of conversations sometimes. so u honestly dont even care abt the smudging room u just want to know if we deserve it. 

thinking a lot of what the chief of algonquin tribe had to say abt being known by our true names our indigenous names and it makes me emotional. my legal name is white (thank u claire for telling me i have the whitest name u ever heard just to hurt my feelings. i still thing of u and have ur poster on my wall. i dont like u) and theres like an intense reason for that. having my native name on my documents would make it VERY hard for me to get a job and impossible in a lot of places bc racism against natives is VERY common among all racial groups.

i think i would like to go by it. but i dont think i could ask anyone to call me that. i dont think they would and theyd forget and theyd misspell it and theyd mispronounce it forever. it doesnt sound anything like how its spelt.

its db-giizis ogimaakwens. i was told it meant moon princess as a kid. its closer to moon (female) leader. like matriarch or ceremony leader. princess is the easy translation and even tho i am still embarrassed to say that i really like it.

maybe one day a lover and my sweet closest friends would call me that when no one is listening.

and now im angry. its nice to hear the pm say he wants to look into things and reconcile but i dont even want to hear it. everything is so fucking bad for us all the fucking time!!!

we dont have anything and everyone fucking hates us and thinks we r being treated favourably when our human rights are being violated and we dont even have water or food!! the longest ongoing genocide is the one against natives. the biggest genocide in history and im not educating u look it up!!

i dont know what im supposed to do. i dont know how im supposed to go on when everyday is worse and everyday is closer to the eventual day the system will take me too.

it just feels like there is blood on everything.