I need to talk to someone but im not going to

just fucking hell why do i have to be such a failure I get shit grades in school , I cut myself , I smoke cigs , take a lot of Benadryl , and i drink vodka i have a fucking problem and i really cant tell nobody nor do i want to cus idk my dad would prob beat my ass and my mom is the one who gets the shit for me. before school i took Benadryl and i just slept the whole fucking day i have friends but i feel like they hate me idk i mean they don't act like it but idk im prob overthinking this its just kinda sad honestly cus when i was little i was really good at school and would never do what i do now  i feel like younger me would just hate me rn and im also less interested in my hobbies like playing on my xbox and drawing and eating tbh i just wish i didnt have to deal with this shit i just low-key fucking hate myself so thats all bye now.