Looked at your photo's i cried

I am pretty much putting all my energy and my love into myself now a days. A slow work in progress. But, there was how do I say without saying her name just really out of respect for her. She was in the adult world of films at one point. Probably the biggest. 

I cried looking at her photos last night. I don't know why. I honest thought in my heart she would have been someone I could help and really try to idk change things turn things around. Being so hopefully. What a fool I was!! I just looked at her photos. Seen her eyes. I hate how much she reminds me of my mother. I don't look at her in this sense and go ohhhhh damn bro a girl that looks like my mom I just gotta get with her for that reason. Okay, first off. Hell no. But however, her laugh her smile and sadly the lost look in her eyes remind me of my mom. Her laugh. Even the ffking sh1.t she wears lol! I always said to her "I think I am looking at the white version of my mom" lol. She acts like her. Laughs. Does stupid ish like her. Oh I don't wanna be rude like she thins shes young and hip if you will like my mom. She drinks like my mom. Shes lost like my mom. Maybe somewhere deep in my mind maybe I thought well I never ever had a good relationship with my mom. Maybe oh lord help me now for this....I thought I could change her. GO FIGURE!! 

I just wanted her to be happy. But however, she needs to realize not everyone gets the chances she did. Had oh...millions of dollars. Tones of money. Never had one backup plan. The nicest cars. The best places in Hollywood she went too. To now her life is all over. I don't even think she knows who she is as a person anymore. She might and I hope so. 


I was never really interested in her for any of that. I think I even said to her "I have better things to do than be known as an ex boyfriend of yours." No thanks. I said straight up that would be a nightmare for me to ONLY be known for just dating you. I said give me a chance to at least make my own name and honestly when it came down to it. I would have wanted literally the whole world not even know who I am or any of that. Like shes mine only I get to know the real her. Even her mental illness lmfao. But however, my heart said one day if shes just like my mom. My mom had no problem leaving me and doing whatever. What makes me think shes not gonna leave me too like her? She honestly has a sadly again another bad trait of my moms has hmmm I wanna be nice I do <3 but is sometimes maybe known for however..ditching people. Even family. 

I was so worried for her mental health one day I called the police for a mental health check on her. Something seemed so off that day about her. I was worried. Because if I wasn't I wouldn't have called. It breaks my heart seeing someone who just had the world literally at their feet look up and there it alllll is. People would literally scream her name when they wanted her photo. 

I can't wrap my mind around how did you wanna leave all that and most importantly your family left everything for what? 

A big part of me cried because here is someone who is probably at their last legs of life and I tried so hard. I just wanted someone to show her that hey it doesn't gotta be like this. 


I wanna say the last 3 projects she done Hollywood. ALL MY IDEAS! ALL MINE! 100%! They were mine and I didn't want nothing from it but just to go hey here's a good idea might make you some money. I didn't wanna see her struggle like how my mom did. The uncertainty. I looked her photo's and just broke down. Asking my faith to just guide me to a better tomorrow and just hope that she finds a better place in life. I wish her a lot of love. But....she doesn't get how far shes gotten into the mess shes in. One home she had would have set her for life. She doesn't like to hear but again I am not here for clicks I'm I? I said to her tones of times I got my OWN thing going on. I don't wanna just be known for someone you date. I just hate seeing her in pain. But again like my seething mother. Doesn't do a fking thing about it. It's like okay first off how about paying your fking tax debt so you..you have some idk.....I mean if I have to type to explain common sense like fk right off with that sh1t lol. I don't have time. Its just common sense to pay it to get on with life. 

Ohhh I am ranting sadly. But I am not gonna ever wish any bad on her. I mean really at this point I just hope she gets help for her drinking. It seems to be outta hand. Sometimes I wonder if she ever sits and thinks of the flashing lights with camera men screaming her name. Signing autographs for FREE. Walking into her car that cost g0d only knows what!! Walking in a $2K outfit to it. Had tones of people wanting to pay her for her name. Throw all that away...something must have tweaked her brain to go "Fk it. What is done is done". But I hope she realizes theres always a better tomorrow. But that's if you want it that is. 

I am not gonna probably ever think of you again. I just hope somewhere through out all this you realized you lost a lot. And I mean a lot. I just hope you find whatever that brings you inner joy. 

A 

PS I am probably one of the only people that can comment publicly and say "Hey you are being a total FK UP! :D " legit someone could roll in her comment section..lol and say something like for example "OMG YOUR HAIR IS GROSS" instant block 100%. I could go on there comment be up for long time lol! Legit. I can say "Hey dont you miss things?" or just give an A-Z run down and be like heyyyy YOU DONE fking up yet or nah? Legit anyone else instant block. NOT ME! However though. We have not talked in a hot minnnnnnnnnnn. Shes busy beaver with someone else.