Who am I?

That is a question I have asked myself alot throughout my life. I have very bad memory lose issues so timeframes may not be exactly correct.

30 (3) years ago I was a victim of a kidnapping from a crazed, drugged out, military biological father.

28 (5) years ago I was hyperactive to the point I could not be managed. Slamming myself into walls because I had so much energy my body could not actually deal with it.

25 (8) years ago power rangers impacted my life hard. It was a massive example for me. What many thought was only a fad took my life over. Taught me life lessons, and rules that I live by to this day. It taught me morals and to never escalate unless forced to do so. At this point I asked... "Who am I?"

My answer was... I am Vinny. I am going under an alias to keep me safe from my biological father. I want to learn martial arts and play games and make lots of friends. I also missed my biological father. At this point I did not understand all the pain that he had caused in my life nor did I understand that only a year later it would be me and my testimony that puts him behind bars for the next 20 years.

23 (10) years ago I became a problem child. Fights everyday, my ADHD and O.D.D. kicked in hard. I was aggressive and hateful to all of my peers. It's also around this time that I just learned that I really dont like children. Something that kind of stayed with me my whole life from this point.

20 years ago (13) I was pulled out of school and put into homeschooling. By homeschooling I mean they bought some books and software and through me infront of a computer and hoped for the best. It took everything I had in me to learn on my own and make it through school at this point. I lost what few friends I had. I lived in a small town with very little people interaction from this point on. I asked myself at this point. "Who am I"

I am Slade.I am 13. I can use my name now as I am safe from my past. I am depressed and alone. I feel like there is no hope for me. It is at this point in my life where I walk into a bathroom and open the bathroom cabinet and try to end it all there. I wake up the next day in a puddle of my own vomit feeling like I died twice and feeling like even more of a failure then I did the day before. I could not even die correctly. Looking back now I am so thankful that I did not succeed at this point in my life. But I still know that feeling I felt in my gut when I woke up.

19 years ago (14) my new life became on the internet. Runescape, YTMND, Newgrounds, Neopets, gaiaonline, iirc and aim chat rooms. I was now more social then ever. I had friends all over the world and I had the world at my fingertips. I would fall asleep in my chair daily while interacting and just surfing the web.

18 years ago (15) I took up pro gaming around this time. Played Halo 2 and MvC2. Even got a few sponsors. Was alot of fun and was a big push for me to have somewhat of my own money that was for what I wanted.

17 years ago (16) I started to get into fights again. It was kind of a bad area, I was seen as the weird kid and a girl I hung out with had a very hateful family. The family actually put out a hit on me...that was a fun year. At this point again I ask "Who am I?"

I am Slade. I am 17. A pro gamer, I have several amasing friends. I do beta testing for small MMORPG studios and my main life is lived on the internet. I can do anything I want at this point online. Go anywhere, be anyone. At this point my real life was boring. Small place by myself and very very few real life interactions. But....online...I was known, and loved even. I felt like I belong and found my home. I also found out around this time that I liked wearing women's clothes in secret. I had a hiding spot I would move my stash of clothes around so my family wouldn't find out. It wasn't sexual. It just...made me feel pretty. I also was screaming internally that I was a total freak.

15 years ago (18) I became a care giver for my grandma. She was having alot of health issues and was not doing well. We would have scares multiple times a year that she wouldn't make it the night. I grew up with her and learned alot from her. Alot of her...let's say...spirit, yea. Thats a good word...is why I am the way I am. I spent a majority of my days over there taking care of her. It was around this time handheld gaming also became big for me. I learned alot of medical training at this time as well so I could atleast keep her going till paramedics would arrive.

12 years ago (21) me and a friend of mine got absolutely drunk AF. Was a good day. I think. I can't actually remember it. I do remember the next day waking up across the street on church steps, head pounding and no pants on. The book club was not happy about that one. Fun fact. I was in a cult once. Maybe I will blog about that at some point...

11 years ago (22) we had a bad house fire. We lost everything. 3rd one in my life at this point that reset our lives. We had to move in with some very hateful family at the time and soon after my grandma passed. It completely broke me. This was the second time I asked legit "who am I"

So the answer at this time was. I am 22, my name is Slade, I can fight, I am submissive, I like wearing women's clothes sometimes, but we keep that a deep dark secret.I have now attempted twice on my life and had been cutting as well. I have a couple of friends, no job, and I just lost one of the most important people in my life. After my grandma passed I gave up on everything. I ghosted alot of people and retired from pro gaming. I am depressed, angry, and want to do something...scared of dying alone.

10 years ago (23) I entered a bad relationship situation and it almost destroyed my life. I faced homelessness, my gf was on so many drugs the pharmacy was hitting her up. But...It also set into motion a chain of events that would ultimately lead me to where I am today. So. As much as I hate that time of my life I was necessary.

9 years ago (24) I got out of my personal hell and was dating my best friend. I ultimately probably saved her life from her ex as well due to events that took place this year. We did ok for a couple of years but we...did not work. We fought alot and we ultimately decided to go our separate ways as a way to try and save our friendship. (Future me...Not quite sure on how that went at this point in my life...)

4 years ago (29) I met creationharmony and instantly fell in love. It was the first time in a relationship that I felt like I could truly be myself. I also over the years learned more to just say fuck it and be me. If people can't handle it. Well. I been alone most of my life. I would just deal. But she was accepting and loving and so very much caring. She's also one of the few people I opened up to about me liking women's clothing and I could feel safe being submissive to. Aroubd this time I asked myself once again. "Who am I?"

I am Slade. I am submissive, a neko (that's a story for another day), a cross dresser, an asshole and a gamer. I was happy for the first time in a long time. I learned that I am polyamorous. This was also around the time when I lost my step dad. While we didn't always see eye to eye. This hit hard. It was sudden and it broke my world apart and destroyed me in a way I was not expecting. I have a build a bear Spiderman with his voice inside...and I still can't bring myself to take it out of its box and hit that button. I now move forward...

2 years ago (31) I am on tiktok and doing makeup and my hair, clothes. I look rough some days but I am improving everyday. It is also around this time I meet another amasing woman. I honestly don't know timeframe with this because. Well, it all happened so fast. Just as with creation. We hit it off immediately. And looking back we were always incredibly close. I almost lost her as well and it hit hard. But we are holding tight for this amasing ride we are on and none of us are letting go.

And this brings me to tonight. 33 years old and once again asking. "Who am I?"

I am Slade. I am a submissive, polyamorous neko. I am a gamer. A streamer. I am not a cross dresser I am nonbinary. I am proud of who I am. I have walked this journey on my own some, with family, loved ones, friends. I have had people make impacts on my life. And I have had impacts on others lives. I always move forward and will always fight my demons. I am no longer a suicide attempt victim. I am a survivor. I am no longer a kidnapping victim. I am a survivor. I fight for what I have. I am eager to learn, improve and always climb my way higher. I fly in the sky as high as I can.

I am not defined by my past. I am not held back by my past. I am the result of the past. I am the gemstone that was hidden under the rock that the river thought it was eroding away. I will shine brighter then ever before with every year life throws at me.

And when life thinks it is time for my light to dim and I fade from this world. It will only shine brighter. You will know my name.