I know, I know. I know it's 42

i don't like sleep. its like my worst enemy but its not. 

its my only entirely detached escape but temporary fixes have always been torture for me.

i have these horrible nightmares.

hey, wait. no i don't. i fucking don't. even my worst PTSD euuu euuughhh whatever nightmares and dreams of being chased around or my family trying to kill me or anything like that, none of it is as bad as- THAT.

and it hasn't happened for years.

years. years!

yet i'm still so terrified of it, i've been torturing sleep out of myself for this long.

"this sucks. i'm tired. i can push this tired feeling down. i can do it. i can keep myself awake. i can do it. but most importantly, you only have to try and sleep for a few hours. not a full sleep. which is good. your alarm will wake you up. you don't have to put up with this."

acknowledging things makes things worse, though.

so maybe tonights microsleeps will be super effed up.