september 28. 2025

late night post. from bed. crying. 

when is it gonna work. will i feel ok. can things feel right. am i stuck like this or did i just trap myself here without knowing. 

i look around and wonder what im doing here. i broke so many cycles but il never be able to stop the cycle in myself. thats why i take lithium and all it can do is make me less severe. i say im good im good im good and really i just want to leave and be left alone!!! 

im so good at pretending to be good because no one cares when im bad. they just feel uncomfortable if they feel anything at all. and thats fine i couldnt expect anyone to care bc im not close to anyone. being this way makes that hard. its hard to reply to texts or even see them. its hard to make plans or agree to plans even if im asked. i dont ask for a lof of attention so most people are ok leaving me alone. 

i dont mind being alone. im the best company i have and i dont get tired of myself or really even angry with myself. i think i used to but now this is the person i put all my love into and get all my love from. it sounds sad but think of it in a gothic romance way bc thats how i see it. 

sorry for the rambling. i miss everyone so much. even the ones ive not met maybe especially the people i havent met. im sorry u will have to meet me and i will be nothing and do nothing and have nothing. 

i dont want someone i know to read this and feel responsible (positively or negatively) for how i feel. i promise u if i met u in the last ten years u dont have any major impact on the way i live. i may have big feelings about u but i am not haunted by my actions bc i made peace w them. if u hurt me im also not haunted by it. i remember it and i know it but i had ptsd a long time before that and u hurting me really just triggered that. 

i do have friends and i know they won't read this bc they arent active here and i won't tell them that ive posted bc i never do. im sorry if i hurt ur feelings im just doing the best i can right now and keeping a journal feels too formal.