Alive but not living?

Hello,

it’s been really long since the last time I posted here. A lot has happened, but i’m not going to bother on writing a whole life update because nobody cares and it’s not relevant anyway. 

I’m pushing 19 and really fucking lost. Anxiety consumes my whole body. I can’t function like a normal person. I fear everything and everyone. But time keeps passing and it seems like i’m running out of it. The same question haunts me every hour of every day. What do I do with my life? What’s my dream? My goal? My will? And I have no answer. 

It’s hard finding a point on trying to continue when you don’t have that so called ‘passion’ for what you’re doing. It’s like i’m stuck. Like i’m the ghost of my past haunting my unlikely future. Everyone around me is progressing. They grow, they change, they live. They have a direction, a reason. I don’t. What does one do when they don’t belong? 

I don’t know what I want. I don’t even know if i want anything. I don’t think I want a family, or a fun job, a big house. I don’t really crave money or success. 

Everything feels dull. I’m sad all the time. I watch life from the passengers seat, but there’s no one behind the wheel. 

I have no intentions of getting pity or comfort out of this. In the end I know there’s nobody else reading it. I just write here hoping when I die someone will find it and actually know me for who I was and what I felt. I say things here I can’t bring myself to admit to anyone in person. It’s a little ridiculous, if you think about it. To open up to the internet instead of a loved one. But then again, how could I ever say this to someone in real life?

I guess that’s all of my nonsense today. 

I wish I could find joy in life.