32 | new things

wow it’s only been two months since a blog, but it feels like a year. 

new things have come into my life.

1) I still don’t have a boyfriend. is that new?

2) on a SNRI instead of lexapro and it’s working. i stopped taking it out of frustration but it actually works

3) i have a new skin condition. i worry its skin cancer but i don’t know. i’m physically unwell; high blood pressure, more pains, and severe vitamin D deficiency.

4) ive decided to quit my job next summer. I really hate my job and i’ve been thinking about my quality of life. i’ve been suicidal for a while but lately that feeling has gone away. i’ve started rationally questioning what the heck im supposed to be doing. i can’t afford to move out of my parents house. i don’t make enough for that. i still have to chip away at my student loans too. being a sugar baby isn’t fun anymore. but with all those issues i can’t stay at this job. 

the other day i just started crying at work. i feel like im going nowhere. i see these other older women doing the same administrative work that I do, and i can’t see myself doing that when im 30 or 40. not to mention, trump is killing the education industry.

i really wanted to go somewhere. i wanted to go to canada, then europe, then south korea again. i’m mourning the fun life that i left abroad. i was happy and healthy despite being SA’d. i’ve been living in the past for the past year. i told myself i’d last 3 years, then one year, then forever. i was going to move out and move on despite not being able to afford it. but the reality of this workplace and work environment has caused me physical and mental pain. i keep asking myself “was korea the peak? was that it?” i wanted to—i still want to—pray and hope that there’s something better. but i couldn’t even imagine it. 

with all that being said, im moving…out of the country. for God knows how long. i’m being a coward and running away from my perfect first world life because i can’t seem to stomach the air here. it makes me gag. if you’re reading this and want to know more, just ask. i’ll be leaving next summer if all goes to plan. 247 more days left here.