Now youre all gone, got your makeup on, and youre not coming back. - September recap

Here's the blog for the whole of September! This one might be a bit of a sad one I guess. 

I had my last few weeks of school earlier this month. Honestly I… cant remember much. But near the end I got increasingly more depressed and agitated. I felt so cold and isolated, I didn't want to try.  I started taking the bus to school myself though, so that was cool. 

But yea, at school I could barely motivate myself to do anything. And then there was another Wednesday with that stupid maths teacher. She came up to me and said I was 100% playing games and not doing my maths work and said that I needed to focus or whatever but I just sat there feeling nothing. Also i wasnt even playing games lmao, im writing my own little personal project with an oneyplays video in the back of my headphones. 

And I was just filled to the brim with a sudden surge of anger and confusion, it all accumulated into one thing.

I need to tell my parents I'm a boy. Not for them, but for me. I need to do this for myself. 

So I did. Later that week I told her over text. It went… idk, ok enough. She kind of brought up exercise and dieting and said that “medical stuff would hurt”. Binding already hurts, it hurts more and more but i keep doing it because its all i have. But she said she would take me to a gender clinic. My parents signed me up for a place to go. I might have a few sessions in October. I hope they go well. Honestly, it would be fuckin awesome if somehow they could convince my parents to give me T. I genuinely think ill get a fair bit happier than I am rn. But i can only dream, I guess. 

Anyway, besides that lets talk about how the holidays have been. I kinda thought that if school finished then i would be happier. But i havent tbh. I started playing Postal 2 though!!!!! I finished it and i loved it sm. I uh…. I think postal dudes rlly cute >_< dont judge me his voice is literally ear candy. I also watched the postal movie and i loved it. It was so asscheeks but its great idc. 

So when the holidays started i spent 90% of my time either being incredibly depressed or playing postal 2. And when i finished postal 2 i was just sad or thinking about postal dude. 

If i try to pinpoint exactly why am sad i cant really tell you. Istg i think T would save me. Im just really unhappy with my life rn. Even though its the best its been in a while. It probably didnt help that when i went to an audio engineering course with like 4 other randos. They were all in year 12 and had way more of an idea about what they were doing way more than me and i… i was just there. I want to do something like this so badly but i have no experience at all. I just play piano really shitty, i cant even read sheet music without struggling incredibly badly. I dont know how to use any audio programs, i dont even edit videos with anything on a desktop. I know im only 15, but oh god how pathetic am i??? Why did i ever think this was a good idea, i dont know anything! Im useless. And my heart feels so heavy all the time. Im so incredibly tired. I sleep for hours. I feel sick. 

I wanna be myself again.