wrong

nothingness wears at me

i question everything, i cry for an answer

but nothing seems to ever calm me down

i feel it as it builds up

i feel the push and pull in every direction i could never go

what good is a freedom that i dont know how to use?

i try and try and yet i end up right back where i left off

small mistakes leave me sleepless and shaking

i beg and scream for someone to tell me it’s worth it

and then it’s over

i’m okay for a while, the newness of it all soothes me

it makes me feel like i still have time

i dont know if i still have time

i missed every formative moment in order to survive

not a second too long spent on irreplaceable moments

i wonder if i will ever escape that god forsaken house

if i will ever escape the branding i was cursed with at birth

punished for the crime of childhood naivety

i get better but i can never get well enough

being better than i was before does not mean i am no longer sick

it eats away at me

it tears at my flesh and brings new layers to light

it rots in my stomach, in my thighs, and in my arms

it breathes alongside my ribcage

it runs through my blood and resides in my brain

i can feel myself decomposing

the pain of it all sings me to sleep

am i a bad person if i dont know how to fix anything

i dont really know what im supposed to do at all

everything is new and different, almost perfect

but im clueless on how to treat this difference

entirely new experiences and opportunities are everywhere

its almost overwhelming, but i welcome the fresh air

im scared i will be uncertain forever

i try not to let what i left behind get to me

i try to remember that it’s far away

but effects linger longer than the people ever did

the absence of necessity left me to fend for myself

long before i ever should have

it is my worst fear to meet the same fate they would

better than what came before me

but not quite enough to be safe

certainly not enough to care for something fragile

sometimes i think of just how badly i wanted my dad

how badly i wanted my mom

and how quickly i was left in silence the moment i faltered

i think of them every time i shut down in quiet despair

i think of them every time i feel heat build in my throat

i feel them in every harsh word and snark comment

i am just like my parents

or maybe im worse for knowing its wrong

and not being able to stop it anyway

hidden deep inside me is the fear that maybe it was all my fault

maybe i was destined to have some unknown evil fester inside me

maybe i was never meant to be happy

the doctors told me i seek chaos in peace

perhaps they were right

i wonder if the fights really ever were unfair

maybe i was just a bad kid

i think of the way things changed throughout the years

i think about when my dad stopped liking who i was

and i think it may be entirely my fault

no matter how hard i try to ignore it

it couldn’t have been entirely my fault

i wasn’t even old enough to understand what was happening

but part of me will always wonder if maybe i was the exception

maybe there is just a part of me that is permanently sick

maybe i was designed to be wrong from the very beginning

someoneeuthanizeme