Stop pretending you understand my anxiety. An anxiety awareness post.

As someone who's been struggling with severe anxiety ever since I was 11 I'm tired of people pretending to know how I feel. They don't, especially since every anxiety case is different, and I'm literally too afraid to even tell people half my struggles.

What I want to understand: anxiety is a disorder. Just like cancer or diabetes, it's only there to completely ruin your life and you can't just snap out of it and force it away. If I could I would, trust me. I swear to the gods that most people would want to cease to exist after experiencing just a minute of what I've been experiencing almost every day for the last 8 years.

Anxiety is not just being nervous and worrying.

It's trouble concentrating, being too afraid to approach a task which causes bad grades or inefficient work, or late applications.

It's trouble sleeping. Mine started at age 11 with waking up every night with grave fear of darkness and ghosts, and I had to wake up my mum and crawl into her bed every single night to fall asleep. Without meds I wouldn't be able to sleep at all. A few days back I couldn't sleep until 6AM because of intrusive thoughts. You know what? I will even rewrite what I wrote in a phone journal that night:

Weekend is over, welcome back insomnia. Welcome back, dear stress. I've missed you a lot, and I'm being sarcastic if you haven't noticed. Of course I will be asked to call these people again. I will run out of hydroxyzine within a few days that way. I need two pills to even TRY to do something. I wish my mum would understand how horrid my anxiety really is. It's paralysing, it's debilitating, disabling even. If I wanted to I could qualify for disability.

I don't care anymore. I'd rather get a job and work for my own rent if applying for a dorm is so stressful on me.

It's also hot. It should be autumn already, but well, of course it had to be scorching hot today. And now I can't sleep because I feel as if my own sheets were trying to suffocate me. The darkness surrounds me and I can barely even see my glow in the dark unicorn stickers. I don't even need a break from university at this point, I need a break from life itself. I just wish someone would understand how deep I'm spiraling, at one point I was afraid I'd end up in the mental hospital again! And thoughts reminding me I have no dad are coming from everywhere around me! My only escape being writing, art, and fandoms. And Severus Snape. Because of course my [r-word] brain will cling into any possible past hyperfixation just to function and stay alive. Or rather, vegetate. I'm not living, I'm just vegetating and bed rotting out of depression and anxiety. I just wish I could go to my psychiatrist and get tips about what to do. Should I take a year off university? Get a job? Or keep fighting?

I'm not strong enough. I'm giving up. I just want to prioritise my mental health for once but nobody wants to listen. Don't I deserve a break after eight years of severe anxiety? Over those eight years my anxiety didn't disappear, I just got used to it. And it doesn't mean it's okay. It's not. It causes depression. Even psychosis. Insomnia. Emptiness. S*icidal thoughts. SH. For [f-word]'s sake, I need help, and I want someone to understand that! I went through a traumatic experience a few months back and as the shock wears off it's no longer protecting me. Yesterday I almost cried at the market because it was my dad's favourite shop, and I ONLY get hypersensitive and teary when it's really getting bad.

I also seem to be isolating myself from everyone in fear of being talked to. Because I know that if someone talks to me they will touch a delicate string and make me uncomfortable. I KNOW. I know I can't escape. But maybe, just maybe, all I need is a break from all this stress? Maybe I just need to be thought of as something more than just documentation to fill? Or calls to make? Emails to write? I was already mentally damaged (severely!) and I experienced psychological trauma. OF COURSE my mental health will become overwhelming. I NEED HELP but of course I'm too much of a chicken to ask my mum to take me to a [f-word] shrink or therapist. I think I'll just spiral until I hurt myself and end up in the psych ward again. :)

Ah yes, I just wrote a lengthy paragraph about how horrible I feel, yet people will still assume I'm fine. How awesome. I should not have to reach crisis for someone to believe my distress. And you know what? I REALLY don't want to go back to the psych ward. It's isolating and I'm just... tired. I don't feel like going through it again. But another part of me craves to be in a hospital, to be cared for, to see people leaning over my bed and apologising for not noticing my shattering mental health. But not for two months. I just want to get hurt honestly. Faint and be taken to a hospital for observation. Get a severe nosebleed. I don't know, maybe my hypoglycaemia showing and finally getting treated. ANYTHING to get my mind off this hellish turmoil inside.

Anxiety is intrusive thoughts about missing assignments, about your loved ones' health, even about a plane randomly crashing into your home. Paranoia every single time you hear a car pull up or a letter arrives.

Anxiety is uncontrolable feeling of worry. I can't brush it off, it will always lurk at the back of my head.

Anxiety is increased irritability. I didn't yell at you out of spite, auntie. I yelled at you because I'm reaching my breaking point.

Anxiety is restlessness & a feeling of being "on-edge". Every single moment of your life you can feel the anxiety at the back of your head, forcing you to self isolate and preventing you from socialising. 

Anxiety is avoidance of feared situations. You know why I delayed my dorm application? Because even attempting to open my university's webpage causes me heart palpitations and I have to lie in bed for the next hour out of dizziness.

Anxiety is loss of appetite. It's also stomach issues like diarrhoea and stomachaches.

Anxiety is feeling of guilt and shame. I'm well aware that the reasons I can't physically approach most tasks is a disorder. But it doesn't stop me from blaming myself and feeling like I could have fought it off (and risk a heart attack).

Anxiety is a ton of physical symptoms. Like I mentioned, my heart palpitates every single time I try to approach a stressful situation, even if I take my meds.

Don't look at me like that, just like you understand.

 (I'm on debilitating by the way.)

I hope I gave you a better understanding of what a person with anxiety experiences every day. And I hope you never feel this way. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I wouldn't wish this on the dispatcher that could've prevented my grandma's death but didn't, I wouldn't wish it on the train driver that drove over my dad, I wouldn't wish it on my bullies, I wouldn't wish it on the guy who abandoned me and made me so depressed I ended up hospitalised. I wouldn't even wish it on SAers.