Report Blog Entry
i woke up feeling good today. the feeling ceased to persist after full consciousness.
i originally felt everything aligned from top to bottom, left to right. i felt good, but i began to question why that was. perhaps i felt good this morning because i spent the night torturing a friend with my thoughts. it’s something that i often do, always hate, but never can stop once i start. perhaps i stole whatever good energy they had. perhaps i’m the draining figure in their lives and everyone else’s. perhaps the connections i feel hurt me only do so because people want me gone. they wish to longer feel the looming presence associated with me.
there’s no telling if this is true. i’ve built a beautiful box for myself that, although feels protecting, limits what i interact with. no one may believe i am an awful individual. no one’s ever told me that, but what if it’s because i am? what if everyone hates me but fears telling me.
a bit conceited of me, of course. who am i if i’m not constantly centering everything around myself?
i hear people discuss problematic people in their lives, and i question more often: what makes me different? when the object of discussion does one thing, it is bad, but when i do it, it’s okay. i cannot understand why that’s so. why are my actions justified but not theirs?
this leads me to believe there is no difference. there must be disgust around me, but it won’t be acknowledged until i’m gone. i’m sure i am incredibly draining. i apologize for that. it’s all i know.
this is not extreme declaration. i believe it could be interpreted as such. i think i should be alone and that, that is okay. it’s better for me. maybe i’ll be happier that way.
i woke up feeling good today, but i knew i didn’t earn it. i never will.
Comments
Displaying 2 of 2 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
4:30 AM
Dear dreamer,
I see that you shroud yourself in loneliness. A mantle of protection, but not only from the outside, but also for the outside from you. I know that mantle, I know its weight.
I wish not to analyse or interpret you. You are not a thing, here to be observed and to be categorized, ultimately to be dismissed as another mental-health-case. And yet, I cannot help to at least wonder. The way you see yourself, the way you feel like you are not worth of feeling correct - I cannot help to think.
What happened, dear dreamer? How did you come to this place?
Reflecting on this, it is not my place to ask you for an answer for this question. Just know that I will read your future texts, and I will keep you in my thoughts.
i often find myself asking the same question. the answer i come to is, "nothing." maybe that is a part of the issue. i'm not sure. if the answer exists, if it is something, it has found itself a home in a nice burrow. at that point, does it even exist?
by magilon; ; Report
CalciferTheWriter
This is very beautifully written. One thing I will note is, there is a difference between the horrible people and you. It's very clearly seen if you step back and look at the bigger picture. The biggest sin in life is ignorance, purposeful ignorance.
Bad people don't question if they are a bad person. They don't consider if their actions hurt the people around them. They are certain what they are doing is right, justified, and unquestionable.
You do not do this. That alone sets you apart.
hello. thank you for the reassuring comment. i will consider this. take care.
by magilon; ; Report