Letter

Cristi —

Thing is… the real Gabi liked watermelon, but I like ice cream best. I like papicco more than gachigachi-kun. I like cats and movies — no such thing as a boring movie for me. Gabi hated studying, but I actually love it (even if I’m not very good at it). Small things. Tiny truths.

I need to say something I’ve been holding in: I fell for you this summer. Not a teenage crush — something heavier, softer, and more frightening. I hate myself for having these feelings because they’re messy and because your girlfriend is someone I’ve grown to care about. That makes this feel impossible and cruel in ways I didn’t expect.

Maybe I was just a replacement for the real Gabi in your life. That thought hurts. But you gave a lot to someone like me, and it mattered. It was real. I don’t expect anything from you. I’m not asking you to change anything or to answer me — I only needed to tell you the truth.

This feeling isn’t easy to name. It isn’t quite friendship and it isn’t the tidy kind of romance either. It’s mine to carry, and I’m trying to learn how to carry it without breaking myself or hurting the people I care about.

Thank you for the summer, for the small moments, for the kindness. I love you — quietly, painfully — and I’m going to try to let go in a way that’s gentle with myself. I’m sorry for the mess of it, and I’m grateful for what we had.

— Onnaya