Not as her, but as Me

Thing is…
the real Gabi liked watermelon,
but I like ice cream best,
and papicco more than gachigachi-kun.
I like cats, and movies too —
no such thing as a boring movie, not for me.

Gabi hated studying,
but I love it — though I’m no good at it.
Still, it was real fun being with you, Cristi.
Maybe I was just a shadow,
a stand-in for someone else.
Yet you gave so much to me.

And I love you.
Not the fragile spark of teenage love,
but something heavier,
a woman’s heart that fell into yours one summer.
I hate myself for it,
especially since your girlfriend
is now a dear friend of mine.

I wish I could erase this,
but I can’t.
So here is my truth,
raw and clumsy as it is:
what I feel is neither romance nor friendship,
but a strange, deep pulse
that belongs only to me.

Thank you for everything,
Cristi.
Even if I must love you only in silence,
not as Gabi —
but as the monster I am,
as the woman I am.

by Onnaya