Log05 - 09/23/25

It's rapture day apparently. It's almost believable with how fucking ridiculous the world has been. Maybe that's been a contributing factor to my outlook on life lately. Idk, I'm doing fine but there's always something not quite right with me. I typically describe that heavy/empty feeling as The Pit. My therapist asks where it resides, and I usually say it's around in my torso, chest to abdomen. I reckon that's probably accurate enough. Sometimes it's really hard to ignore, and other times it feels much lighter and easy to conquer. It's always there though. Today its mass is manageable but definitely noticed.

Yeah I'm gonna sound like an emo fgt in this entry don't worry about it.

I've been thinking a lot about violence. The different morals people have around it, how it condemns some and gives praise to others, how versatile it is. I actually don't know how to feel about it, or if I'm supposed to make up my mind at all. It feels so innate. Not just to human beings but to most any being. Even a virus uses violence, and that is a whole different type of "alive". I don't wish for genocide or war or murder, but I also think it's largely unstoppable. It's unfair and it's natural. The best I can do is be kind to others and control my own urges. I think I'm pretty good at being kind. 

There is like, a domino effect or something. My depression causes an incurable loneliness, loneliness is isolating, isolation makes me feel like I could do anything. I imagine gun violence perpetrators. I imagine myself as one. I imagine how lonely that is. To have the free will to turn against every person around you, do something horrific and entirely unforgivable, then walk away and end it all. The contradiction of the severe mark I'd make on people's lives while the world remains unchanged and the terrible news is eventually drowned out by the same exact thing elsewhere. So impactful and insignificant. I could do that. I could allow this possibility to consume me. But I won't, I promise. Feds if you're seeing this, you're welcome to put me on a list but I have no intention of hurting anybody. I am only expressing some heavy thoughts. This is something I don't talk much about, partially because I don't know how, or if I should. I'm kind of just leaning into it instead of running and hiding. I may not be alone in these lonely thoughts. Especially with how on theme it is for America, or really just life in general. If you relate, choose kindness. Keep open and talk about your hurt. Thanks for reading.