Maybe I don't want to have kids anymore...hear me out..

I had some time alone really just to think of things and as much as I wanted to have a son I must have talked about it oh idk how many times by now. But I think for now. As of now, I don't think that's something I want at this moment. I am drained from the subject even thinking of it. I guess we all get to a point in life where we think about having kids. But the way my life is going I have so much going on. I am not even enjoying what I am doing at this point as of current. I guess to a big part of me had this how do I say vision in my head of what I wanted for a son. And I got to really thinking to myself alone. Of course. I figured maybe its better I don't have a son. If I can't have what I had envisioned in my head to me in my heart I know I am just being honest....there is no point. Maybe just being outgoing I figured maybe if I just manifest it long enough it might happen. But a big part of me made me think to myself..."What a joke this all is" just mad at myself and just life the way things are going that way. I am a control freak thinking well if I can't have that then there is no point. I mean I can try but people wouldn't understand or probably think I am crazy (too late) 

I think after a few things I don't think I will be online as often maybe here and there. Get what I need done...like really done I just want to do some of these goals and just get them over with so I can just go live and find something that brings me a good feeling inside..I feel like singing and doing music is really the only that fills that void. Maybe somethings were meant to be you know that way? I feel having a son was my dream. Probably all I ever thought about this past year for some reason. But now I changed my mind for now and had a change of heart. If I can't have what I want in my mind how I have had little fantasies of starting a family in a home stuff like that. For now, I just finish my projects and just focus on me and what I have going around me. Not that I won't ever say no to having a son but I just don't think honestly in my heart it will ever happen. If I can't have my fantasy I dreamed of I would rather not. I don't want it all if its not how I want. Tired of going through life and get a "watered down" version of my fantasy. And when it comes to me wanting a kid and having a son I ain't want NO damn "WATERED DOWN" version at all. Nope. Not one bit. I want this to be special and if I can't have the way I thought things out then I would rather not at all. 


For now, there will be no more talking about "Having a son" or "I wanna talk about me having kids as a goal" there will be none of that. It's better from maybe the high heavens that I just don't. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe there is a sign saying "No". Because nothing is pointing it to a sign that says "yes". So I suppose this is a nice thought while it lasted and now off to do movie business..... 

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