Entry .

I have been at my lows and highs constantly. mostly lows. I have been indulging myself in things I shouldn't been indulging. My discord server brings me not the same joy as when it first started somewhat flourishing. 

I feel dirty, i feel like im covered in mud everytime those so called indulgences are finished. I feel so satisfied yet miserable after it and it sucks so much idk how i can stop it. its like the only thing that brings me some sort of pleasure these days, nothing can make me happy for some reason, not even games. i feel so unfulfilled.

My imaginary friends dont give much of an impact anymore, they are just starting to feel like scripts i recite to myself. I have no idea whats the need with them, i have friends, but there was a reason, now i cannot pinpoint it

I feel guilty for leaving them. I know they're not real but I feel like i betrayed them, im just throwing them away, you know?

School . . . It's been so boring. The lessons are dull, my classmates are .. just there. I would be in class 30 minutes in and i would just hope a tsunami comes just so i can go home. Funny thing is, something i'd find nice for a change in daily life is going outside, maybe the mall. It's been a while since I went there, maybe two months? idunno. I hope to see my friends again tomorrow, its been 4 days. 

One thing keeping me sane is probably Lovejoy and Shostakovich, both musicians. They're what light is feeding me at these constant times of darkness. Lovejoy, I half-hate to admit it, their music is so good, so, so good. I've been dying to listen to their debut album (ost which is coming out in about 9-10 days). I've been also watching their bts/vlogs, pretty nice. I also like the community, they're very warm, welcoming and relatable. Not much of an exaggeration, especially on reddit.

Shostakovich.. He's been a big fixation of mine. I used to be briefly into him 1 year ago but its come back stronger than ever. I've been listening to his symphonies and string quartets, as always, my favorite symphony of his will still be his 10th one. though his 5th one isnt so bad, id say a 2nd place. I love his story, his personality, his career, everything, I want to know so much about him.. He's very huggable too. Thats all I've to say. plus i really like his photographs, theres something about it.

Perhaps i should write more to ease the pain. Im starting to pay close attention and consideration into this one saying, I should start following it. "You must break the pattern today or the cycle will continue tomorrow.".

-steampunk015