law of exchange scares me so bad

“a principle suggesting that in order to gain something, something of equal value must be given in return”

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It scares me in the context of what my ex could gain now seeing that he lost me. It’s a little weird. 

I know I was his everything. I never wanted to be. But now, he has everything to gain back. 

I feel like he’s trying to gain back my life by living it. And I fear, he could actually pull it off. My friends would literally slap me by saying that because he’s “nothing and ugly” and could never catch up. Maybe I’m a lil too sad to see my own potential. But looking at him through the philosophy by law of exchange, logically, he could gain a future that was equal value of me. 

This matters because the future he wants is the same future I want for myself. I used to do a good job at running away from that. I used to do a good job at wanting more.

I’ve ended up in another unspoken competitive position against someone and I HATE ITTTT. It’s not him that angers me. It’s the competition. And it’s the repetition of this cycle that angers me more than the cycle itself. I’ve seen people try and fail in the past. To be fair, they didn’t lose my amount of energy in the way that he did. I didn’t give them that amount. And so it is unclear to me, if what he lost is enough to succeed. I think that unclearness makes me unsteady.

It angers me, but i’m not angry…..cuz I can easily block out the competition and stay in my lane and stay in my own perspective of things. At the end of the day, I am only doing it for myself. Not to win and not to prove. I just feel afraid. 

If he was able to achieve back what he lost..

If what he achieved is of the same greatness as me..

If what he achieved is something I wanted and still want but failed to achieve..

I will feel robbed, stolen from, and insecure.

(And if you know me, those are completely unknown emotions to me. I am a unicorn, and unicorns just don’t feel that way)

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On a deeper level, maybe I’m projecting my own losses on to him. I’ve lost a part of me that I tried so hard to push out of my life. I thought, too, by pushing it out, I would gain something greater. Maybe I’m afraid it wasn’t worth it. That I am gaining something equally as successful and that will make me as equally unhappy. Maybe I’m afraid I’m too hard to please.