mental unhealth

as if it wasn't obvious enough, Lamby is very mentally unhealth. 

I have a variety of issues in my Brain and it makes me feel that I am worthless and unable to make friends 

But the weird thing is I am not officially diagnosed with any sort of mental disorders, mainly because my doctors did not feel it was necessary and thought the process woukd be difficult because a lot of those symptoms would overlap with the symptoms caused by encephalitis.

So even if I experienced all of these things, a lot of the time it is linked to the seizures I get and it's hard to tell if it is something triggered when I'm not physically well or something that's there all the time. 

I will say that I feel a lot lot better and it's not as bad as it used to be, and I say this a lot because it's just really true. 

Like I don't hear things anymore so that's a plus. Mainly just like I stopped having crazy hallucinations and delusions. 

For one point in my life I thoroughly believed that everyone in my life was indifferent to me no matter how they acted. And I believed that everything I said and did was being recorded and my very reality was not real and that it was all part of some strange experiment beyond my comprehension because I had a very short dream where I was lying down in some sort of chair in an observatorium. And for some reason I also came to the conclusion that no one around me was real. 

 so I was constantly on edge and preparing for the end of the world basically.

i was always really paranoid, i always felt like some other unseen force was out to get me and it was terrible.

i had a lot of dreams about the apocalypse, the end of the world, going to/seeing heaven/hell, the afterlife, and constantly felt like i had to 'break' the realm of reality i was in my always trying to choose an option that i myself wouldn't do to throw off the timeline or some shit like that

of course none of this was real, it was all in my head. and my head was my prison and I tried killing myself in it because i was so scared. 

i couldn't sepreate reality and fiction, and it was sooo difficult trying to tell whether i was sleeping or if it was real, and everything was so so terrifying for me. I didn't know what to do and in my panic I destroyed everything around me and myself. 

Everytime I even get so much as a little teensy bit close to questioning whether or not I in the moment am conscious and in real life it makes me feel scared again because I just don't wanna go back to being like that. 

I still have so many things I want to work on, like listening to other people's side of a conversation, and how to sympathise with people who are going through loss, and just how to talk to other people in a way which makes them feel heard. 

I'm not naturally good at these things, so it's something I have to learn to do and it's a journey i guess. 

I'm planning on making a list of goals, achievements and general topic of discussion to clearly communicate during my psychology appointments,,

because I am NOT spending what like a hundred dollars on mental health and not getting as much as I can out of it. 

Sometimes i feel like my point never gets through and i don't know if it's because i never feel secure in my words and what i say or if it's because i overanalyse everything, or because i am subconsciously wanting a specific response from the other person and don't know how to get it. 

I guess it's okay to hope for one response over another but in the end it's good to learn how to accept anything that may come to you and let it find it's place in your life, however small or big that may be is up to you.

okay blergh i don't wanna write anymore 

i downloaded libreoffice recently its cool i can write fanfics properly now okay bye.